Island in the Sun πŸŒ΄

Breaking free..These moments are the best so far. When you get away from everything and everyone, from the world. When you don’t read or watch anything, you don’t go online, don’t post too much, don’t communicate…When you stop caring about anything and forget all the bullshit you ever thought of, don’t follow any rules, as there are none. That’s not depressing, that’s healing and refreshing. As you cut everything off, you start to pay more attention on the surrounding world, on the nature and most importantly on yourself. You start to see the beautiful clouds in the sky, filled with all the different colors of sunset or sunrise. You hear the sound of wind, the birds, the waves of the sea. You start noticing all the little details you never noticed before. How the waves swim so smoothly around the rocks, and how they clash each other. How the water hugs you and doesn’t let you go from sea. How you are connected to nature, the world and God. How everything you ask receives an answer once you start paying attention. And how God is with you wherever you go and whatever you do. How beautiful and amazing life is. When you clear your mind and soul from daily routines and “dust” you start acknowledging all of this. I wish these moments could last forever. I wish I could just choose the moment, click it and freeze it and re-live it for lots and lots of times. When it is sunny, and you receive sunbathes, swing in the waves, lie on the sand and feel the light breeze on your face. All the four elements complete your existence and give the power and energy they have. Being make-up free, having salty natural curly hair, freckles on the face, good tan and smooth skin. There is no make up that could give all these effects. You feel yourself a sea child, sun child, child of nature, a small but significant part of it. And you don’t even bother yourself thinking about anything else, cause you understand that this is the life, what is happening right here, right now. You don’t listen to music too much, cause the waves are the best melody you could ever hear of. Your photo album is full of nature pics and videos, cause you try somehow to save that moment, to feel what you felt later, but that never works. It only gives you the slightest idea of what actually happened, but not completely and not authentically. But still it’s memories, which keep you warm for a long time, with the recollections of the best times you had…On the island in the sun. Just wanted to save those moments once more through my words and thoughts.

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Life in your own hands πŸ€²πŸ»

So I wanted to talk about this for a while now, I just didn’t have the right mood. Basically, what I want to say is simply this-your life is in your own hands. Yes, I do believe in destiny and that God has a plan for you and everything happens for a reason…but! You always have a choice. Like in all the tests in magazines, when a question has different answers and depending on what answers you’ll choose, you end up with a different result. So there are for instance 4 results, but it’s your choice which you’ll take. The questions here represent some events or situations, the answers stand for our decisions or attitude to these situations and the result is our quality of life. I hope this makes sense, it does in my head. So if you choose the “wrong” answer for yourself, don’t put the blame on everyone else, on God or universe or whoever. That was your selection. I hate when people complain about stuff that they can change. For me, as a viewer of the situation of another person the solution is so simple, and I always try to help people understand the possibility of solving the problem. Unfortunately, most of the time people just want a shoulder to cry on, let out their negative energy and suck out your positive one like vampires. I don’t like that at all. When someone complains to me, I give my everything to help them out, but sometimes my words go ahead, hit the wall and come back to me. And that made me understand that most of the time people don’t need your advice, cause they’re not actually ready to change anything in their lives. Their swamp is bad, but at least they know they have it. They don’t know whether there is another swamp, bigger and better than their ones, or maybe there’s a sea or an ocean. They don’t risk to change their lives. They prefer blaming everyone for their failures rather than taking the risk to success. They live their whole lives in their cages, with stereotypes about everything, and when they find someone who’s free from that cage they try to cut him in and make him one of them. They live with prejudices, they are afraid of new things, of uncertainty, of freedom. They live in a matrix, as my mom always loves to say. The sad part is they don’t understand that they are a part of matrix. They have a horribly wrong system of values, they don’t know what’s important or not, what’s more pleasant and enjoyable for them, what their soul or body really want. They don’t appreciate themselves, don’t think they are worth for something bigger and way better. For something brilliant and magical. But in reality everything is different. Everything that I wrote is wrong. Don’t miss your chances, don’t live with constant negativity and empty dreams, in accomplishing of which you don’t even believe. Live with memories, not dreams, such a good quote. Don’t live from weekend to weekend, or from a holiday to a holiday, spending your precious time at work that most of you don’t even enjoy and don’t get paid good money. Or even if you do, what’s the point of having much money and not living but just surviving and collecting more money? Don’t chase it, it’s not the most important thing in this life. If you don’t like sth, change it. If you don’t like the place you’re at, just move, walk away. If you don’t like a person, don’t be friends with them. When you go to a restaurant and order sth, but it isn’t what you wanted, you’d change it, wouldn’t you? So what’s the difference? Do what you actually love. What makes you feel good and happy. I don’t remember from where I heard this, but this wisdom may help you. Imagine this. You have millions of dollars. You don’t have to work, but you don’t want to sit in your house all day, and want to do something. What would it be? I am certain now, that most people have the greatest dreams out there. To write a book. To become an artist, a swimmer a dancer. To have my own program on TV. To become a vet. This list is endless and so are peoples dreams. Whatever you’ve thought of is your dream job, so go ahead and do it. You can always find excuses to be a looser or a weak person. But you can stand up for what you actually want or believe in. And this isn’t only about jobs. It’s about your whole life, your relationships, your health, your travelings, everything. When you have your own principles about anything, life gets so damn easy you couldn’t even imagine that. When you truly love and respect yourself and your comforts, that’s when everyone and everything magically bend to you. Because everything in this world is energy. When you turn your whole existence into a good and positive and confident energy, you attract even more of that. Don’t go through the path that everyone is going, choose your own path, if there’s no one, make it. I know it can be complicated but the result will be totally worth it. And you’ll like it. Listen to your heart and soul, and you’ll hear the best advice. So just go for it, do what you want and how you want it. Cause life is only in your hands.

p.s. when I write stuff about people in general, I don’t want to say that I am so completely right. No, I made these same mistakes lots of the time, and maybe still do or will do. I wouldn’t change what I did or didn’t in the past cause that made me who I am, but from now on and every day I work on myself and try to learn something new and change sth bad that I had. But it doesn’t make me perfect because I have so many imperfections to work on and improve…

Farewell Uni πŸ‘‹πŸ»πŸ”š

I mean I graduated two months ago, but today I got my diploma and now everything’s official. I just felt like recapping all these 4 years, cause I’m bored.

For a long while university was my biggest regret. I didn’t feel like fitting in, in the general atmosphere. I didn’t like what I was studying, all the subjects were loads of bullshit for me. Well not all of them, but 95%. I was dreaming of a different life, different choices, different me and I wanted to give up so many times. Just leaving everything behind, running away from it, finding sth else to do. But I didn’t. Something was leading me through days and months. I guess that’s what they call destiny. I was where I supposed to be, doing what I supposed to do. I started to slowly accept it, try to learn as much as I can and not only in scientific way. And now, 4 years later I see the path I went through. All the changes between me and the lost and anxious freshman who was afraid of everything new. Who always thought everyone else was way better and smarter and more beautiful and more everything than she was. Every week was like a war with demons and monsters within me. And the fact that I didn’t even want to be there was making everything more complicated. The only consolation was good and fun times with my friends and exploring everything new, which frightened but fascinated me at the same time. New people, places, interests. New challenges, new levels to pass. It was like a whole subject for me, which was one of the few advantages of university. The next problem after accepting the uni, was accepting myself, my flaws, imperfections, fears and everything. It was way difficult, as it was a battle in me. The next two years were about that. I started to appreciate everything that I have, but most importantly myself. I stopped judging every single failure of me, accepted the fact that I am a human being with faults. And though that road was not simple, filled with anxiety and psychosomatic weirdness, I started to overcome my own demons eventually. The last year was kind of the practical part of what I’ve learned. The repetition of the last 3 years. I started to see myself not only as a student, someone connected and trapped in uni, but a free person, who has a life outside of it. Though I was skipping classes a lot, still I had my lessons going on. It was another interesting challenge to decide what is more important and more pleasant thing to do for me. I was building the little parts of nowadays’ me. And I like that.

One thing that I noticed recently while looking back at old pictures of the freshmen year. When I was taking the pictures then, I almost never liked me on them. I thought how everyone else was beautiful and I wasn’t. Now looking back I thought “damn I was actually really good”. I didn’t see the imperfections I saw 4 years ago, I only noticed the good stuff. And that was another great accomplishment for me, as I was always insecure about myself, my hair, clothes, style and everything, always compared myself to everyone and not in the good way. And now as I accept me mentally, I accept myself physically, and I see not the flaws but the rest. This was just, by the way, somehow connected to the topic.

I won’t continue my studying in masters degree. I’ve had enough of the social building with stupid rules and no content. When someone asks me about uni, I say it was a bloody nightmare, but I don’t think I sincerely mean it. Yes I went through a lot of crap, and no one ever knew about it, just because I wasn’t ready to open up. To say to anyone that I had a huge anxiety was just simply unbelievable for me at that time. But now I feel like writing about it and cleaning everything up from my mind. And now I can say that it wasn’t really a nightmare. I had lots of fun, lots of good and warm memories, I can’t and won’t deny it. The last days of uni were even sad for me as I was recalling everything great that I’ve had throughout these years. But what’s most important is the enormously huge changes in me, all the character-development, lessons, mistakes, problems and difficulties I had. It was the worst for me at one time, but I couldn’t be more proud of everything I went through, good or bad. And if someone gave me a chance to go back and quit at the most complicated time, when I wanted to quit, I definitely wouldn’t do that. Because that’s what made me stronger, wiser and more mature. This little piece of paper doesn’t tell my story, but I just did that. And it is just a reminder of ‘good old times’. So thanks university for absolutely everything I went through, for all the good times, all the people I’ve met, all the fun, and also all the bad stuff that happened. Sincerely and genuinely thank you. And farewell. πŸ”š

One Summer Story πŸŒ»

It’s late May. The last days of it, actually. The thought of upcoming summer doesn’t bring any excitement. She even regrets her favorite season ending and the thought of hot as hell days isn’t the most pleasant one. June 1. Everyone keeps talking about the first day of summer, but for her it’s nothing but just a date. The next few days is the same situation until one night. One night she can’t sleep. She opens the window and finally feels it. The fresh smell of the night makes her finally realize. The summer has come. She gets flooded with memories of different summers. And her world turns upside down. It feels like she goes back to her childhood. Or even earlier, she is taken to the world of late 70s or 80s. Everything suits this time, the music, the weather, her mood. She lives in a friendly neighborhood, in a detached house. Across her house is a big field with all the beautiful flowers. A river flows there and separates the field and the forest. She often goes there. On hot days it’s chill near the river. She just lies there, reads a book, or admires the nature. The clouds swimming in the air, the flowers and bunches of trees moving from the wind, butterflies flying and trying to catch each other and life going on and on. She can feel two heartbeats in sync-her heartbeat and the one of the Earth. She often watches the most fascinating sunrises and sunsets, and it seems as they’re getting more and more beautiful every day. The rays of sunshine invade her room every morning, but it’s a friendly invasion. The plants of the room seem to gain energy from sun and so does she. She sits on the porch with a lemonade or fresh fruits and gets little sunbathes. The sun warms not only her body but also her thoughts and feelings. It’s like it goes inside her and destroys every single negative thing. She loves that process. It feels like resurrection after each morning. Then it comes the most hated part of the day, midday, when it gets really hot, but it doesn’t matter now for her. She always finds something creative to do. She often tries to draw the flowers of her yard or the scenery outside of the window. Sometimes she goes to the garage to help her parents allegedly, but in reality she just adores watching her old stuff like toys, magazines and pictures. The dusty boxes are not dirty or old for her, they were a part of her life, they’re full of memories. The little walks to the nearby grocery store seems boring at first sight but it always gets full of some events. The children playing on the peaceful streets make her remember her own childhood, her friends and games they used to play. She even asks the kids to throw a ball once and all the memories get even stronger. She tries to notice all the small things which inspire her. Tries to catch a butterfly or to stroke a dog. Summer evenings happen to be the best. Sun starts to go down slowly and colors the sky in the best shades. Everyday the color of the sunset and the sky is different. It can be all pink and purple, mysterious, like it’s the end of world. Or it’s all orange and bright yellow, the true colors of summer, when you feel warmer than ever. People come back from their jobs and it’s dinner time. It’s really peaceful in the streets. After dinner all the children rush to the streets not to miss even a minute of their playing time. Parents also go out, men drink beer, play cards and women exchange the latest gossips of the neighborhood. She goes out too, has a little walk with her friends. They love goofing around and having fun. They always have some ideas or to do lists for the summer. The mutual dreams or plans bring them even closer and more excited. Even if they don’t fulfill all these plans, it’s still a part of early summer. Thinking about the fun they’ll have. They also recall their past, the happy careless days they had. Cause that’s what summer does. It makes people remember stuff from their lives. For most people it’s mainly happy and bittersweet memories. She goes home then. She feels inspired. Nothing really happened throughout the day but she feels on the top of the world. She lights up some candles in the balcony, cuddles in a blanket, puts on some music and watches the wonderful day ending. The lights turn on in all the houses, the moon rises and it’s the best time of the day. The time of all her dreams and different imaginations. What she hasn’t had or done throughout the day, she does in her mind and it feels so real. Then the next day comes. Every single day is kind of the same, but still they are all different and special.

Then June slowly comes to its end. The most nostalgic and peaceful month of the summer. When everyone just enjoys that peace, doing nothing, being a lazy bones. The songs of this month are ballads, slow songs with no beats. But they all have too much inspiration. As July comes, the songs start to become faster. It gets hotter and everyone thinks about getting out of town. That’s what her family does. Taking a ride to the beautiful and not crowded places of the country. She enjoys these little trips. Headphones in her ears, wind messing up with her hair, sun glares happening every now and then. They find a beautiful place, have a walk around. She loves exploring. Every new thing widens her worldview and way of thinking. Every new tree or rock or church plays a big role in her history. Her summer movie becomes richer and more saturated with all these little trips and picnics. She finally starts to fulfill her to-do list. Having a sleepover, playing outside, trying something new, cooking, having a dance party… These are the moments she will never forget. She also is looking forward to the family holiday in August. Watching all the beautiful places of the country they are going to, thinking about photo ideas and fun activities. It’s the most tempting part of the summer. She wants August to finally come but she also doesn’t want the time to fly faster.

The music turns into pop now. It has all the great beats to dance to. And it’s August. The last but the richest month of summer. It feels like it has much more than only 31 days. The family holiday turns out to be the best one she had for many many years. It’s chill but active at the same time. So many new things happening that she doesn’t want them to stop. New games, new activities, new people. She is experiencing all the various feelings and thoughts she never had. The days are always happy and fun. Sun shines brighter than ever, she finally has the suntan she wanted all summer. She loves swimming. Catching every single wave, feeling the inherent part of the sea. The sand then welcomes her with his hugs, warming her thoroughly. Evenings have a whole other mood. Peaceful and romantic but also philosophical. She stays up till midnight with her friend, talking about literally everything. About the day, the holiday, the life in general. No problems are allowed here, they are left far behind. The only existing problem here is the thought of leaving. That’s the most awful thing that they try not to think about. As though if they don’t think about it, it will go away and they will stay there forever. On the island in the sun. Where everything and everyone is perfect. But sadly that’s not how it happens. Days fly incredibly fast, and 14 days already passed. But it felt like a whole world and life. Like she was living there her whole life. Going back is always the hardest part. She may even drop a tear watching old photos and listening to sad songs. And that’s how the songs are now. Even the happiest songs are sad for her, because that period of the song has passed and nothing can bring it back. She goes back, the world she has doesn’t fascinate her for a while, as her thoughts are far far away in warmer places. But time goes by and gets happier than ever, thinking about the best time she had. The fun doesn’t end here. Lots of relatives and friends come home and there are lots of gatherings. She still has her walks but now not in the neighborhood but in the centre, as things get more interesting there. She missed the little cozy cafes, tourists in the city, the atmosphere of eternal holiday. That’s what she likes about the centre. It’s like an infinite summer there, which will never end. She stays up longer than ever, in order not to miss a single second of summer. She gets now all into music. Late guitar or piano playing creates a different air of summer and art. She literally feels herself the heroine of her own movie. The perfect movie of the perfect summer. With a nostalgic beginning, fun midpoint and a romantic end. She can feel the conclusion of her story coming up and she does her best to make it the greatest ending ever existed. The songs turn again to slow ballads, but they don’t make her sad. They fit this period the best. She doesn’t regret summer ending. She is excited for new season and new adventures. She already thinks about all the perks of autumn, and even winter.

The last day of summer. Like June 1, it doesn’t matter to her, it’s like a normal date. But still she can’t help but watch all the photos and videos and the summer. The vintage June, active July and busy August. All the walks she had with her friends. All the time spent with parents and relatives. All the songs she listened to through the summer. All the new things she learned, new people she met, all the changes and character development she had. All the plans and dreams which are now felt to be fulfilled even if they weren’t. Everything was the way it should be. And it was perfect. She grew so much over the summer. From childhood and teenage years memories to the present days. It feels like the summer lasted a whole few generations and decades. And indeed it was an infinite period. And it totally doesn’t matter now whether all this happened in one summer, two or three. Or whether everything described was a reality or didn’t happen at all . This is what she has now. The recollection and the imagination of the perfect summer. That’s what matter. The End.

Night Owl πŸŒƒ

3:00 o’clock…the city falls asleep, the mafia wakes up…

a sleepless night..I can’t make myself sleep..too many thoughts in my head..thoughts about everything and nothing..it’s not a problem, not memories..just random thoughts.. I decided to look out of the window, just to breathe some air and try to sleep..but what I feel and see now is more significant than sleeping for now..well first of all, I haven’t seen so many stars in the city for a loong time…because you know, big city problems, smug, dirty air, and no stars…but I think the countless rains in the last month have done their job, the air is finally clean…and I can finally see them, the stars, sparkling in the air, showing off themselves and their mysterious glory…as I have bad eyesight I decided to wear glasses and to see not the scenery I see or imagine to see every day, but the real world…and I can say again, it’s beautiful…you may think, how the world can be seen beautiful when it’s dark and you can’t see a lot…but it is,,I may not see every building or tree or anything but I feel the beauty…and not only by its look…just everything is so perfectly combined together…the stars, the lights of the city far behind, the freshness of night time, the play of wind and tree branches, the sound of chirping grasshoppers, the smell of freedom, full of old memories and the new ones that are ahead of me..the wind now found a new companion to play with, and it’s me, my face…it keeps coming and going away, teasing, showing its power and my dependence on it..it brings one memory from summer 2008 and takes it away,,then it gives a autumn 2009 memory, and so on and so forth…it makes me feel nostalgic of great times, of my childhood and early teenage years, but it also makes me feel excited for everything upcoming..it makes me feel infinite, grateful for everything I have, for my life, for this world..for the ability to look out of the window and see and feel what I feel now…to understand the true beauty of life…not the buildings or statues made by humans, but what God created..something that is pure and perfect and can never be replaced…I start to think about small things, like a dodgeball game we used to play, or mafia or volleyball, but I also become a philosopher thinking about everything eternal and superior thing in the universe compared to us, mortals…but what is more important is that I feel genuinely happy at this moment..even if my eyes are sore and I’m tired and sleepy, still I feel happy…not because of something special or extraordinary…though it really is special, what I feel now..no money can buy this feeling and I wouldn’t exchange it for anything..I reckon that everyone who will read this will find it a nonsense and absurd, but I know what I mean..I feel it, deep inside my heart and soul.. and that’s what important..the only thing missing from this masterpiece is my old and dear friend- the moon. she would be the last piece of puzzle of this magnificent scenery..I envy the night animals, who are awake every night and enjoy it..though I consider myself as a night owl, but it doesn’t count…

I Have Questions…

As you may or may not know, I love doing then and now comparisons, whether it’s about my appearance, mental state, or anything else. Today happens to be one of these days. Everything started from two songs, that I was listening to exactly one year ago this time. I am listening these songs now and again comparing myself with myself if that makes sense. These two songs were inspiring me last year, and I was feeling so good listening to them, I wanted to break free and live the way I wanted. But there was a huge but. I was lost at that time. I had so many thoughts haunting me, about everything, about life, people, relationships but mostly about who I really was. From these constant thoughts and anxiety I was having really bad headaches and nausea. Whenever anyone was asking why I feel bad, I was blaming on bad food, or too much time on the phone etc. But in reality it was all psychosomatic. I had so many questions and almost no answers. Waking up and going to sleep with the same and same questions. I was trying to accept me the way I was, always different, always surrounded by my imagination and fantasy. Always seeking for more interesting and enlightening topics to talk about rather than stuff like make-up, weddings, clothes etc. I was slowly embracing myself, my true self, and that’s when the clash happened. That’s when I started to spend more time all alone, with myself. Not because others were not interesting to hang out with, like some people thought, or not because I didn’t enjoy time spending out, just because I needed to concentrate on myself. Sounds egoistic? Yes, but as I said one, that’s not a bad thing. I needed time to recover from my false old identity, which probably was dictated by society;to heal from the differentiation and even fears and to learn to live the way I wanted. I started to pay more attention to my inner self, my soul, started to find beauty and relaxation in small things. Some people couldn’t understand, and I wasn’t able to explain. And that was a whole another burden on me, as though I didn’t have any other problems. I couldn’t explain because at that time maybe even I didn’t know what’s going on. But one thing I knew for sure, is that the joke wasn’t on anyone else, and it wasn’t really connected with others. It was all about me. My soul’s revolution against me, against everyone and society rules. Eventually my true self started to win, I started to put myself and my interests on the first place, started to say what I think, started to lie less and be honest and first of all, honest with myself. Now, one year later, I can’t say that I’ve completely found myself. I still learn, develop, make mistakes and try again. But I am free. Free from all that burden I had one year ago. Now I embrace all my creativity, I only do what makes me feel happy and inspired. I make the choices of my life. I’m starting to find out and see the answers to my millions of questions. Why it happened? Whose fault was it, mine or the universe’s? Was I right or wrong? The answer is-just because. Things happen. It’s no one’s fault. Those were just lessons and exams I needed to pass. It was my weird path I needed to get through. It is what it is. And it was complicated, and bad but now I am happy about how things turn out. Because without them I wouldn’t be who I am now. And now listening to these songs I feel the same inspiration, but this time knowing that I can be the person I wanted to be for a year and even more. I don’t even know why I started to talk about these things, that I thought I’d never have the courage to talk about. They don’t bother me anymore, but maybe somewhere deep in my soul these were the things I wanted to write down and completely get over with. Read everything as a stranger, as though it didn’t happen to me. And maybe while writing these I exaggerated a little, but that’s what I like to do.

p.s.-if anyone’s interested, the songs are I have questions, and Crying in the club.

My Dream Place πŸŒΏπŸŒ²πŸ’š

The place of my imagination. It’s far far away, but yet it is where I live, always with me, in my soul and heart. It is a small deserted place, away from big metropolitans and noises. All alone. It’s a wooden house with its own gardens. From my window I can see the gardens, than comes the forest and far behind are the mountains. It’s a place full of mystery and beauty. I wake up early every day here, and greet the dawn. I hear the birds singing, the ravens crowing. I can smell the fresh air of the world. I don’t care what scientists say about the air having no smell, it does for me. It can smell like new beginnings, old memories, freedom, mystery. And it smells like proper nature. I have lots of trees, plants and flowers in my gardens. And I can feel every second one of them. I can feel them rejoice, getting energy from the sun, wind or rain. I bloom and grow with them. I feel myself a part of something really great and supernal. I get connected with the forest and what’s more important with myself. I acknowledge here that I’m not only a physical body, I’m a spirit, just like everything else surrounding me. And I feel like Totoro would live here, somewhere deep in the woods, and I can hear him sometimes. And there’s also an abandoned chapel and a gazebo next to it, where I can go and sit for hours, listen to forest, draw or read.

It’s often stormy here. And I overcome my fear of lightning and watch the sky go mad, beautifully and magnificently mad, showing its true powers. And I smell the crisp air after the rain and it’s just perfection for me.

Not a single soul is here next to me, it’s only me, my thoughts or feelings and the world. But I don’t feel lonely or incomplete. I feel incredible . Because here is everything I love and enjoy, or get energy from. I don’t need others to feel complete or happy, I’m already like that on my own, and that’s what true happiness is. Not depending on anyone, being with yourself and loving every second spending with yourself.

I literally cannot find the right words to describe this place. When I think about it, I imagine every single detail of this place, but I can’t write them. Because it’s my secret home, a place only for myself. A place to feel happy and free, or even a little lonely and sad every now and then. It’s the place I get inspired by nothing but the nature and life itself. Maybe it’s stupid or nothing special for lots and lots of people, but for me it’s my paradise. And I always carry my paradise with myself. I see it everywhere, in the small pieces of nature left in the city, from my window and in my head. And everything is perfect here.

When Hogwarts is Home β™₯️

Yes, I know perfectly well, that I already wrote two blogs about Harry Potter, but here I am, writing another one, because it’s never enough. So today is (was actually, as it’s past midnight now) May 2, 20th anniversary of Battle of Hogwarts. I’ve been rewatching the last movies for the last couple of days, and today I watched the last one 7.2. Can you imagine now all my emotions flooding inside me? I just wanted to write not for anyone to read, but for me to ease my thoughts, otherwise I won’t be able to sleep tonight.

I think I’ve said this for millions of times but I am so freaking grateful to Harry and Jo of course. They changed me. Maybe even for the worse, who knows. Maybe if there was no HP and magic in my life, it’d be much easier. Easier to adapt to this normal world, easier to live and socialize. But I don’t care, I love who I am now and that’s why I am eternally thankful to them. And I know there are lots of fans who started to hate Jo because of many reasons, but I don’t care. I won’t care even if she kills someone. She is forever the person who brought something special and important to my life.

As I said already the world of HP is a shelter for me. I can remember my hardest times, when I couldn’t sleep because of the thoughts and fears haunting me, and the sound of rain outside and the imagination of being in Hogwarts, Gryffindor’s common room always calmed and comforted me. It has always been a safe place for me to hide from problems and anxiety, to feel sad or happy, to feel mysterious, to read, learn and so much more. I always imagined my room as the Gryffindor’ common room. Warm, cozy atmosphere, candles etc. When I was doing my boring lessons, I imagined myself writing about Potion lesson stuff. The teacher who doesn’t like me was my Snape, or Ambridge. Harry and the others were to be my friends, Mcgonagall the best teacher always willing to help. Having walks around the Hogwarts grounds, with all the sunshine, or rainy weather, nature and fresh air. Exploring the hidden places of the castle with the Marauders Map. Going to Hogsmeade. Just chilling. Visiting Hagrid. Sitting on the lush green grass and doing homework. And even if it’s all happening inside my head, why on earth should that mean that it is not real? Got it?

I learn a lot from HP. Even my mom who didn’t like it and didn’t approve my obsession to it confirmed that there are lots of hidden messages, lessons, philosophy and psychology in the simple lines of the books and movies. Face your fears and laugh at them, only then they will go away. The best remedy against the depression are light and happy memories and chocolate ofc. The ones who love us, are always with us in our hearts. Even if these people are fictional. They are always with you and ready to help. Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if you remember to turn on the light. These and so much more are from HP. I always thought that the best way to show the reality of this world is through fantasy. But I’m getting far again.

I just can’t help but imagine myself in the common room now, writing all this with my feather on a piece of parchment, the Weasley brothers pranking others, Harry and Ron complaining about homework and Snape, Hermione and Ginny talking some girly stuff. And I know they’re all right next to me. I feel safe. I feel cozy and happy. I feel magical. That’s what really matters. And I know that whenever it’s needed, I can always come here, my imaginary shelter to feel this way. β™₯️

P.s.-the soundtracks of the movie and the game Hogwarts Mystery have added to my Potterhead’ inspiration today. And remember: Hogwarts is always there to welcome you home.

The Wallflower Girl πŸŒ»

The title could as well be “the perks of having two names and two different personalities”, but the wallflower girl sounds way better. Why I say two different personalities is because I wrote a whole blog about me being an adventure seeker, loving risk, having fun and stuff like that, and now I’m going to write the opposite. If someone reads these two blogs, they’ll probably think these are two different people or that I have a split personality. But that’s true. I never was one type of a person. It’s like there are two people or souls who happen to share the same vessel. But enough about that. I’m inspired now about a different thing.

When I first read “The perks of being a wallflower” I thought that’s so me. Still think the same way. I don’t talk much especially in big groups, not because I am afraid of stating my opinion. Just because I don’t feel like talking, sharing my energy with others who’ll probably won’t even understand. I listen. I notice and conclude. I examine people and analyze them and also me. I don’t like big birthday party or weddings because they are kind of senseless for me. Music is too loud to have a conversation across the table but too bad to dance to it. I prefer low-key gatherings, where you can easily communicate with each other, play games, have fun and not have a headache from the constant bass. I can easily choose to stay by myself if something is not interesting to listen to, or if there are no people to talk to. No company is way better than bad company. I enjoy staying at home, with a good book or movie, with an idea for a new photo, or new recipe. Sitting in the balcony and gaining the energy of sun. Learning new piano songs or playing the old ones again and again. Or laying in my room with twinkle lights and candles on, with fresh flowers in my vase, and watching a movie, writing or drawing. Going for a walk or to a shop all alone, because I don’t get bored of my own company. Me, headphones with my fave music in my ears, and the world to explore, what could be better?

I don’t know why I started this. It’s just that I’m inspired by another ordinary teenage movie. Or a few ones. Yes, I’m still a teenager in my soul, who has so much to learn and discover. Lately I don’t want to analyze myself, and getting close to finally understanding all my features. I don’t want to be all serious. I just want to capture my days, my thoughts, my moods and inspiration. To analyze my metamorphosis, how I was right before ending uni classes, during the last exams or diploma thesis stuff, and after graduating. To see my changes and development. Or just simply to remember these careless days. To know that I can always choose what to do and how to feel. That I can always prefer to be a teen once again for a while, to realize that my age doesn’t define who I am or who I should be and what I should do. I’m the master of my seas (I hope you’ll get this song reference). Anyway, now I’m choosing to be this careless teen wallflower, who can easily get excited by a movie, songs, the weather or something else.

Song Inspiration: Imagine Dragons- Demons, Next to Me.

Movie Inspiration: I won’t say that, because that’s my movie and I’m a greedy person. 😈

P.S. When I say that I’m a wallflower today, doesn’t mean that I’ll stay that forever. I cam wake up tomorrow and decide to hijack a ship or sth like that. And that my dears is the perks of having two different personalities.