Self-observation 🔍

When you haven’t written anything for a while, and you really feel like writing even though you don’t know what to write about. And I don’t even have a title for this blog.

Another period of observing myself, the people around me, and just life in general. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of before/after of myself, my attitudes towards anything, my thoughts, my fears, feelings etc. And again and again I see how much I’ve changed, for some people maybe for the worst, but for me, it’s definitely a positive change. The more I grow up, the more sociopathic I become. All the events, that I was getting excited about a few years ago, lost their not only interest but also their sense. And of course I’m not talking about getting excited for a new season, Halloween/Christmas or any other holiday, that will forever stay with me hopefully. I’m just slowly getting rid of every old persuasion or belief. And the sad part is that I’ve always been like this. There was just a time when I was betraying myself, trying to be a person I’m not, to like what I don’t like. No that’s not the sad part. The sad part is that I really thought that I liked what I liked, and I was the real myself. And maybe I will say this again after a few years looking back at nowadays’ me. But the best part is realizing that the fake me wasn’t really happy. Realizing that yes, maybe I’m a strange person, preferring to stay at home and enjoy a rainy evening watching a movie rather than going to the regular cafe and eating the junk food that makes me feel so bad afterwards. I don’t say that I don’t go to the cafes, or I don’t enjoy spending time with friends. I just don’t consider myself as a happy person only because I’ve gone to dozens of cafes, or I have a birthday or a wedding to attend every week or sth like that. I don’t think that new clothes, or makeup or phones make you happy. Doing what you truly love, and being honest and faithful to yourself, that’s when you feel the happiest. Again let’s compare. When I didn’t go to uni one day 4 years ago, I still enjoyed my day spending at home. But I was always thinking about what happened there, what did I miss, I just missed my life, an important part of it and bla bla bla. Or whenever I didn’t manage to go somewhere it always made me lonesome and even moody. But now I just don’t even have a thought about the place that I didn’t go, I am just swimming with the flow of life. Now I know that I was supposed to be somewhere, no matter what happened, I would be there. If I’m not, it means my inner part, my soul doesn’t want to be there. And that’s the difference between me now and me a few years ago. At that time I was ignoring my inner part, the part of God inside me.The same goes with all your dreams, aims, relationships and so on. No matter how hard you try to do sth, if it isn’t yours, you’ll never reach that. But when you accept your life with every good and bad side of it, everything gets easier. When you live for yourself and not for the others, when you do what you really feel doing, that’s when you will be happy. But still the best part is the time dedicated to your character development and self-observation, and the most essential thing is to notice your changes, even the little ones, seeing your growth and being proud of yourself. And now I know what I wanted to write down about, and now we get the blog title. 🖋

Advertisements

Into the Woods 🌲

Into the woods,

The time is now

We have to live,

I don’t care how…

Imagine a person, who is obsessed with mystery, everything in the fantastic genre, darkness and nature. And now imagine the satisfaction of that person spending time in the woods, among big trees, with their even bigger shadows, where even mortals feel something mysterious. I hope you can do it.

For the introvert sociopath like me it was literally heaven. After being in different places, where I feel great, where I enjoy every second of life, where I am the completely happy , I ask myself what I am doing in a big city, where life runs faster than the Road Runner. I haven’t found the answer yet, I guess it’s a life lesson that I should pass.

But back to the woods. The perfection of nature amazes me every single time. Just like sea, it is the place, where you feel the most connected with your inner self, your soul and God. The nature, silence and the atmosphere make you think about your life, make you understand what is essential, what is temporary and unnecessary in this life. And one of the best things is that you spend only a few hours in fresh air and nature , but those few hours change your life and worldview somehow.

Besides spiritual enjoyment, I love the mystery of the woods. I really felt myself like in one of the HP or Tim Burton’s movies. The only problem is that you wait for something magical to happen, but it doesn’t…Or does it? 🌿

Wave after wave 🌊

Sea. Magnificent and wonderful sea. I know that I’m old for stuff like this, but I really want to become a mermaid. To live under the sea, to live and breathe it. So much calmness and power in its waves. I don’t envy people, but I sometimes envy the nature. How perfect it is. And I’m looking at the same sea I was looking at 4 years ago. How much has changed. I have changed, but the sea hasn’t. But there is still a part of me that is still the same and probably will never change. The inspired and hopeful child inside me was living then and is living now. And looking at something that hasn’t changed for years, I see my life then and now. All the changes, self-development. All the mistakes, imperfections, improvements, the process of becoming more mature. But there is so much more to life and growing.

The sea changes me, honestly. Wave after wave comes it, touches me physically and in my heart. And I start not to care. Don’t give a crap about anything I was so worried about some time ago. It just calms me. It makes me wiser and more confident. It feels like I meet a part of me, that I lost in this rushing life. When I swing on the waves, when I lose control over my body and mind, trusting the water is the best thing in the world. It’s like accepting yourself and trusting life to take you wherever you are meant to be. It’s like freezing the moment and just seeing the world from the point of view of a stranger, who doesn’t have anything to think or worry about. It’s like reincarnation. Water always helps. It always heals. You just have to trust it, listen to the sound of the waves coming and going, just like everything in life. Nothing is eternal. Everything fades away. But not the sea for me. Not its memories and the sound of the waves. Not a part of me. It stays and grows stronger and deeper. And every time I change, just like wave after wave… 🌊

P.s. Sorry for the following spam of sea photos, it’s so beautiful I can’t stop. 💙

y

Warmth of Barcelona 🌞🇪🇸

Warm and sunny Spain. And I’m not talking about the weather. The cities, the nature, people and the general atmosphere are warm (even if it’s a cloudy and cold day) and hospitable. You can always feel yourself welcomed. This country is alive. I can’t find other words to describe it. It’s alive, it’s living its best life. It’s like it is always summer and holidays here. You can never get bored here, there’s always something interesting and entertaining going on, and not only in the big cities. I can’t say that I am in love with Barcelona, because though it’s a good city, it’s not close to my heart. I love more small, peaceful places, with antique architecture, gothic style buildings and so on. Here in Barcelona I couldn’t fully relax and enjoy myself, because there were too much people. The cosmopolitan and tolerant city became the victim of its tolerance. In overpopulated places like this there is always the risk if explosion of all this energies and nationalities. I wouldn’t like to live in Barcelona, but the second time visiting it, I started to admire it. The wide streets, the great-great nature, the buildings, all different but somehow united. I loved its more quiet neighborhoods, where you can feel the energy of the city and nature, and not of thousands of tourists and shops. I gave Barcelona its second chance, and it was totally worth it. The city of sun, warmth and happiness, Barcelona ❣️🇪🇸

OST of life 🎶

Just imagine how boring everything would be if there was no music at all. No happy and sad songs that somehow fill your life. It would suck, wouldn’t it? I’ve said already that music is one of the best advice, medicine or solution to problems, it is the best way to relax. Just imagine you, your favorite song in your headphones and the beautiful scenery outside or your window. What else do we need? I also said that music is the best time machine that we have. We can always go back to our past days listening to the songs you were listening at a certain period. And I don’t know whether I am the only person who does this, but I also consider music to be the time machine of present or future. Let me explain. When I listen to new songs, I imagine that some months later I will listen to these already old songs and feel nostalgic. So I consider these new songs to be my ost for this period of my life. Ost for summer, winter, holidays, lessons etc. And it also helps me somehow. When I listen to these songs, I want to have really happy and great memories when I will listen to them later. I don’t want just to remember how I went to and came back from university or how I was lying all day long at home listening to these songs. No. I want to make my future memories really memorable. So that I will really miss this period, and I’d love to turn back time to these days. And to realise now that I am living that very period. To appreciate every second of it. To enjoy my every day, try to do something new, something different or funny. I don’t know whether I express my thoughts right, but that’s how music helps me. Making me be thankful for every minute of my life and day.  And these are the moments when I don’t even need to have a photo or video from that day, I will always remember those days. I will always remember the other day, when I was sitting in the balcony, listening to my favorite songs and looking at rainbow from one side and the magnificent sunset from another. I will remember these bright natural colors without any filters. The pink street, wet lush green from the rain, orange and pink clouds. In that moment I really felt myself in a movie. I wish I could stop and froze that moment for a long time. But due to music I will always remember that scene. 

Just appreciate everything that you have. Try to make your days and your life into your favorite movie. Listen to the best songs of yours, enjoy your every day and make them the best ones, so that you will have the most precious memories later in your life. Live your life the way you want your movie to be. And make every song of yours to be the happiest one. 🖤🎶

Face to face with God 🌟

People who know how to listen, will always hear the answers.

I hate when people think that they are the only responsible ones for their lives. When they think they can control everything going on in their lives. They believe in God, but their faith is connected with artificial religion, which was created by people. They don’t believe in destiny or that their lives is already planned way before they were born. Everything we do now, it’s mostly not our choice. I don’t talking about which muffin to eat, which top to wear, but about great life choices. We are just the puppets of God. Well, not the puppets, it was kind of rude, but we are parts of God. Everyone has a part of God in themselves, which is called the soul or spirit. And don’t consider God to be an old man with long white beard and white dress. You are confusing him with Gendalf. God is energy. Universal energy, which created everything, including us. What are we? Energies. So we are a part of the universe in the same way as our finger is a part of our body. Why I am describing everything in details, is because it will help to understand my main saying. The Universe or God controls us the same way as we control our fingers. But here is a great but. Sometimes we rebel, and stray from the plan. That’s when we completely change our lives and not for the goodness. We will eventually come back to our drawed life way, but we will suffer way too much and we will have lots of problems and troubles. But we are still not alone. When we need something, we can always connect with God, and ask him to help us. God never lets us alone. Our problems, bad situations are just lessons that we need to learn and then to pass the exam of it. So when I say those who will listen will always hear the answers, I mean if you turn to God with your thoughts, problems, questions, you will always find his help, if you pay attention. Don’t seek for God in churches. He is everywhere and most importantly he is in ourselves. When you ask him not to just solve your problems with a magic wand (this time you’re mixing him with Dumbledoor dears), if you ask him to help you pass your lesson or exam of life more easily, or to help you understand the main reason of your problem, he will definitely not make you wait too long. 

And again. Personal experience. When I have something on my mind, something that isn’t necessarily a big problem I always find something that I feel that it’s God speaking with me face to face. It’s either a conversation with family or friends, lines in movie or book, or in this case homework. Whatever. So here’s how it goes. I asked for help. He gave me. And now it’s my decision whether to accept and pay attention to it or not. If I don’t, I can’t later complain that God never helped me. In this case he will just throw a heavy brick on me and kill me off. Just kidding. 

And this is what I understand. God always helps. It’s people, who don’t always accept it. God isn’t guilty of us being idiots. We are. Just believe, it’s the best thing you can do. Don’t connect your faith with religion or anything. It is something that is inside you, nothing external can change or improve it. Dive deep inside of you, and you will find a whole new greater word.

Secrets and Lies ✖️

I’ve been thinking recently…what is the main problem of the human race? Well, maybe not the main problem, but one of the most important ones. And I realized, it’s all about the lies. It’s the lies that we tell our family, friends, society, the world, and most importantly ourselves. Since childhood we learn that it isn’t always good to tell the truth, because of many reasons. Don’t tell your parents about the broken vase or bad grades because they can be mad at you. Don’t tell your friend that you don’t actually like her new dress, because it will upset her. Examples here are countless. As we grow up, the lies grow up with us, they can become more serious. We lie, because we are too afraid. Afraid of judgement,  bad response, not understanding, which all lead to the greatest fear of being alone. People are afraid that if we tell the truth, our close people will leave us, will not talk to us anymore. And that’s the problem. Someone told us in childhood that it isn’t too bad to lie, and we keep lying in our whole lives. These lies later become secrets which we have to remember perfectly to correspond to what we’ve said a week or month ago. And these secrets become the burden that we carry through our life and which makes us unhappy. 

After thinking more about this. I also realized that we lie because we ourselves are not ready to hear the truth. Sometimes we ask the question and we want to hear what our hearts want, not the other person’s real opinion. We want to hear that we look good, that our new clothes are beautiful. We are afraid of our close people being mad at us even when we know that it won’t be forever. We would rather hear that our friend is sick than that he is just not in the mood of going out. And sometimes people lie so much, that they stop believing the truth. They can’t believe that you actually don’t feel good, if they have told this same lie a hundreds of times. They can’t believe that you truly love their new photo or dress. Isn’t this all pathetic? People live in lies and they don’t see the way to escape. In fact, this all feels normal and they don’t even want to find that ‘exit’.

The most awful part is when we start lying to ourselves. It is mostly when we don’t do what we like, but we persuade ourselves, that we actually like it. We actually want to marry someone not because we don’t want to stay alone, but because we truly love them. We want to study because we really know what we want in life and want to learn it, not because everyone else keeps saying that we should study. And so on. And that’s how people start faking their lives. Fake favorite jobs. fake relationships or friendships, fake happiness. Everything is done not to stay alone, not to be different, not to be judged. And then we complain about everything that we have in our lives and say that this world and our lives suck.

But imagine the world without all the secrets and lies. Not even the white ones. Not even the lies to yourself. Everything would be so much easier if everyone told the truth. If you don’t want to tell the truth, just don’t say anything at all, it is better than lying. I can’t tell now that I don’t lie at all. I mean sometimes you just can’t stop it. You can’t say to a teacher that you don’t care about his/her lesson or subject, so you have to make something up. But in other cases I just stopped lying and stopped caring about the side effects. And though at first it was strange and a little awkward , and people sometimes didn’t understand me. Like why do you want to stay home and chill when you can go out? But throughout time they will understand. They will accept you with all your weird things and will respect you even more for your sincerity. And those who won’t believe and understand are not your kind of people. Or just they can’t see the world without lies.

So, to make our lives easier and more pleasant we can all start saying the truth without any fears. Let’s be frank. And first of all to ourselves. I will start. If someone asks me to choose betwen a close person or a ticket to Hogwarts…I’m sorry, I don’t have time to  talk, I gotta go pack my stuff for Hogwarts. 

Sweet Summertime 🌻

Who has a lot of things to study for  upcoming exams and still re-reads ‘Dandelion Wine’ and gets super excited for summer? Yaay, me ! Honestly, I hate the weather in summer, because it’s too damn hot, but the fact that there are no lessons and exams and plenty of spare time to do anything you want really fascinates me.  

For me summer doesn’t necessarily begin on first June. It can begin earlier or a bit later. As in ‘Dandelion Wine’ summer has its own rutine for me. When you feel it’s actually summer and not from the calendar. No. You know it from the birds singing early in the morning, from the light fresh breeze that makes you feel really cool, from all these fruits and vegetables that become your everyday meal. You know it’s summer, when you hear children playing and making noises in the yard, or when the neighbors get together to play cards, or just talk and laugh. And though all this noise sometimes  drives you crazy, you still enjoy it, because it’s summer, it’s a part of it. When everyone gets out to their balconies and put the chairs to sit there in the evenings and feel the atmosphere of freedom. It’s when you make crazy plans with your friends, and sometimes you don’t even fulfill all of them, but still it’s fun, because you have something to share together, to dream together, that’s what matters the most. It’s the time when you write bucket lists for your holidays and share them with your friends and family. You find new recipes to make something from the yummy fruits, you make lists of movies and books, or think about all the things you can do to make this summer unforgettable.

My favorite part is when you stay up all night, listening to old and new songs, or just to the sound of grasshoppers. You feel the smell of summer-nights, and don’t you dare to tell me these nights don’t have a smell, because they do. They smell like freedom, like life, like memories. All the memories that you’ve had through years, they are all collected in songs and the air of summer-nights.  And you feel how much you and the world have changed. You are not a little kid anymore, playing games all day long. But somehow you are still the same. With the great expectations and dreams, with the same positive and full of love attitude towards the upcoming summer, life or world. You live a whole life throughout a night. You see how a city fells asleep, becomes silent and hush for a while and then wakes up with the dawn. The birds begin to sing again, the sun rises, and everything starts all over again with new energy.

I wonder if everyone has the same routine for their summers. Or just other routine, does everyone have it? When they feel the summer and everything connected with it. The sun, the flowers, the wind, which makes you feel like in a paradise after a hot day. Does everyone have the evening walks and highly psychological conversations with friends till midnight? Or the lazy days with great movies ice-cream and popcorn? Or the expectation to jump into the pool just to chill, or to get out of the city even for an hour, just to breathe fresh air and get away from rushing city? I’m lucky that I do. Like a child I always expect something great and magical from the summer. And it never disappoints me. That sweet summertime. 🌞❣️

Me, myself and I ☯️

Have you noticed that whenever you ask someone who is the most important person in their life, the answer is always something like, my mother/father/friend/husband etc. I’ve never heard someone saying that they are the most important person in their lives. It really makes me think about our priorities. Why don’t we ever value ourselves? Why do we think that everyone else is more important than we are. Everyone keeps saying that we should be altruistic and think of other people and only then think of ourselves, but why? Would it be egoistic, thinking about yourself first? Hell yes, but who said that egoism is a bad thing? On the contrary, it is not only normal, but also a great thing. Of course everything is good within some limits, but thinking about yourself, your well-being, your comforts isn’t a bad thing. We were born alone, and we are going to die alone. But also our whole life we live alone. I’m not saying that we don’t have close people, who can always help and support you, but, let’s be real, no one can feel the pain that you feel, when you break your leg, when you have a headache etc. No one can feel what’s going inside your head when you truly fear something, when you have a panic attack or depression. No one, but you. The others can understand and support you, but they can never feel it the way you do. Or when you do something that you enjoy, when you get obsessed with another book or tv-show, only you can truly understand yourself and your love with it. So, doesn’t it mean, that you’re your only closest and best friend or person? I think it does. And if so, why we always put ourselves on the last place? Trying to adapt and agree with everything, even if it is not in our favor? We always try to be liked and appreciated, when in reality we don’t like and appreciate ourselves. We always do something we don’t wanna do, because of others opinion, because of some stereotypes, or because someone might be offended if you won’t do what they want. We always try to please everyone, our parents, fruends, the teacher, the society, but why? I mean, I don’t think that your parents would love you less if you didn’t become the most successful and richest economist or lawyer in the world, if you won’t feel happy from that. Your friends will not get offended if you didn’t do something for them, if they are your real friends. And I don’t mean, that we should never help anyone or we should  only live for ourselves, no. If you feel, that you can and you truly want to do something for another person, do it. But even if you can, and you don’t want to, you better not do it, because it will only harm both of you. If you don’t feel comfortable than don’t do it just to please them. Because only you will know how bad it feels or how uncomfortable or insecure you are, and no one will understand you. 

And, in the same way, don’t expect everyone to help you, to do something for you. Don’t connect your aims, dreams plans with anyone, because everyone gets their own lives and no one must do anything for you. Don’t force the others to do what you want, because throughout some time, you will have no one by your side. No one likes to be commanded or forced to do anything.

I think, this is one of the most important things that we should be taught at school. Not the unnecessary history, like who killed whom, who was the king like 1800 years ago. Or chemistry or maths or whatever. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t say that we should be uneducated, but frankly, who still remembers what they learned in school?~Awkward silence… Wouldn’t it be better, if we learn how to be happy, how to live this life, what is the real friendship or relationship? The universal truth, that, unfortunately, not everyone knows. Faking our personalities, friendships  or relationships, being forced to do something we don’t wanna do, living the life, we don’t wanna live. Playing like puppets or actors in a movie, we don’t wanna even watch. And then complaining, complaining, complaining…Nope, I don’t want to live like this, I didn’t sign for it.

Everything will change if you learn to live for yourselves, to live your happy lives. Lear how to appreciate and love yourself, start saying no without any explanation, justification or apology. Stop saying sorry for everything, for a better opportunity, better life or the last slice of pizza. Prioritize your life correctly, and put yourself, your physical and mental health, you comfort, your goald and dream on the first place. Will people get offended when you refuse to do what they want? Yes. Is there a possibility that they can leave you and not talk to you? Hmm, yes. But do you really need this kind of people? No. Your closest people will stay with you anyway. And believe me, you won’t even care about anyone alse or their opinions once you are truly sincerely happy.