Mysterious Lyon ๐Ÿ‡ซ๐Ÿ‡ท

Such a pleasure to start the new year with a traveling blog!

This time the destination was Lyon, France. I think it was the most unique and differing trip so far. I can’t say that Lyon was that small, but for me it will go down as a little old town. Unlike the other places I’ve been, it didn’t have too much attractions to see. And that was it’s biggest highlight for me and the reason why it felt different. When you travel for approximately 5 days, and the city has lots of “must see”-s, you end up not having time to just wander around and feel the general atmosphere of the city. Though I still managed to feel it, but not completely. In these attractions you only see tourists. You see cafes and shops made for tourists. And you don’t really get the true vibes of the city. For me it’s the most interesting and inspiring part of every trip. And this time, we didn’t have many destinations, and most of the times we had just “aimless” wanderings through the center of the city and its old town. And only now I truly felt the French spirit. I did feel it in Paris, but this was a whole other story.

It was cold and gloomy most of the days. And only in these days you feel the mysterious mood of the city. Lyon is considered to be one of the angles of “White Magic Triangle” along with Prague and Turin. The latter have their explanation and reason of being in the triangle, but Lyon didn’t. Well at least I couldn’t find anything justifying its magical position. But as soon as you’re there, you can feel why. It’s just something unexplainable, it’s just a feeling that you can get there. You feel something really ancient and almighty everywhere you go.With colorful buildings, gothic style architectures, churches and cathedrals (which I reckon has already become a cliche for me to say but still I do), narrow little streets of cobblestone, cute little cafes and shops, made not mostly for tourists (as there are not so many of them), but for the citizens themselves. The churches here are just magnificent. Especially the basilica of Notre Dame, which ironically was muuch greater and more powerful than the one in Paris, which is more famous than this one. That was the reason of me using the word “ironically”. Being not the greatest religious person (don’t get me wrong, I do believe in God or the universe, it’s just that I don’t connect my faith with religion or churches) I felt the presence of the highest powers in the basilica. The flood of light and positive energy, the spiritual atmosphere were just great. It’s just unbelievable that someone or something mortal could create something so divine only in 18th or 19th century. (and yeah, I’m still not good with numbers and years).

One of the things that Lyon is famous for, are the traboules built ages ago. Basically they are secret passageways between the narrow streets of old town, which go through the buildings. So passing it you can end up on the parallel streets, or as in one wonderful case, find an antique wicca shop selling vintage clothes, old maps, runes and tarot cards, jewelry, crystals etc. It was one of the days I’ll never forget cause it was a mini-dream of mine to come true- finding such a hidden magical place, which will feel like something special intended to for only you to see.

Basically the whole time in there I felt like a witch living in ancient times in France (thanks god I didn’t experience execution ). But I guess that’s the point of traveling isn’t it? Seeing and experiencing things not through the eyes of a tourist, but of a resident in that city. And doesn’t matter whether you feel and picture everything in the present or go back to the past, like I tend to do. Cause everything ancient has so many beautiful and mysterious stories. Stories that became legends and myths, or don’t even exist, you just make them up in your mind and believe in it. But believing means seeing, right?

So, to summarize the trip and blog, I can sincerely say that this one was a really remarkable one. Something I was longing for, just living and breathing the atmosphere of the city, especially in this kind of a city with its powerful energies and mysteries. Just having a chill trip, nevertheless seeing and finding out more about the culture and history of the place than if run from place to place to see the main attractions for the personal record’s check. I would definitely want to come back one day, and get all these once again. In the mystical Lyon.


Another Year Behind ๐Ÿ”š

Wow, I’m just realizing that 2018 is almost over. I mean hasn’t it just started? Wasn’t it a few weeks ago that I wrote the last blog for 2017? But still so much happened in this time that it also feels like an eternity.

Anyway, welcome to the last blog post of 2018. As one year ago, just wanted to recall this past year, what happened to me, again do my favorite comparisons of me now and then and stuff like that.

This year was calmer and more peaceful than 2017. The most important thing that happened is my graduation which was really long-awaited. University itself represented a kind of a prison for me, and I finally broke free. An amazing journey came to its end and I couldn’t be happier and more grateful for everything that happened in all those years.

The time of winter is always kind of the mediator period of post-holidays and spring-awaiting. The period of creating “new life” for the upcoming year.

Spring was so inspiring this year. I mean I wrote tons of blogs in that time cause I was inspired almost always. I was slowly getting the taste of freedom and I was feeling like a careless teen again as I was in high school. All my responsibilities, all the mandatory things were coming to their end, and I finally started doing what I actually want, and not what I have to do. Cannot not speak about the may showers which represented the perfect psychological and spiritual way of cleansing everything negative and bad from my life. My soul seemed to get lighter and cleaner from every new rainstorm.

After graduation I thought I would immediately start to make up for the past neglect-watch tons of movies and read lots of books. But apparently my brain needed a relax time, with no new information of any kind to get rid of all the bullshit learned in the last couple of years. It was my “phoenix time” if I can say so, I was reborn once again and it was perfect. The new, fresh me for the new more excited period of my life. Summer became the fun time, the continuation of not caring and just living my best life every day. That’s how I remember it, sunny, fresh and inspiring just like in the Bradbury novels.

Autumn was the most peaceful time of the year. It was going ahead like in slow motion. I name it the artistic renaissance of me, cause I started feeling so creative again, draw, write, make anything creatively possible. Also it became the time of learning. For years I kind of ignored the “human knowledge”, and was more focused on the spiritual wisdom. But the time has come, and I felt really eager to learn as much as I can from different spheres. I spent much of my time alone, which was I think an exam that I’ve passed with success, cause my loneliness didn’t become a burden for me, I actually enjoyed it and became even more independent in all of my actions and decisions. And well, December was the month of eternal joy, festivity and magic, which is sadly coming to its end once again.

If last year was all about being more honest and open about all my problems and fears and slowly overcoming them, this year was the time of another great realization. Not putting labels on myself. Not considering myself as someone who has problems, or anxiety or sth else, who is a sociopath, doesn’t like anything new etc. It was the time to burn all these old labels, beliefs and prejudices cause they were highly exaggerated and maybe not even completely mine. I started again to accept myself but this time from a different perspective. I’m a human being. As all the people, I got some problems, but I don’t define myself only based on them or anything negative. I started to get rid of all these past negative beliefs and affirmations, and it becomes so natural for me now. Speaking up my opinion, communicating more with people, trying new things, even new weird dishes, having walks around by myself etc. Accepting myself however I am. Not thinking much and getting deep down in everything, cause the more you dive in anything negative the more you start to drown and get to the very bottom of the dark ocean, where there’s no escape. I started to come out of my comfort zone, and actually enjoyed being outside of it. I became more mature and not only in spiritual way. I started to take the responsibility of my life and actions, and once again rely mostly on myself, not having any expectations connected with others. Not caring about the society rules, stereotypes or standards, creating my own, a little weird path to walk through in my life. Building up my life the way I want and desire it to be. Something I won’t blame anyone else, cause it’s mine, all mine. My decisions, my actions, my responsibility and my privilege.

My journey is still going on. I haven’t finished what I started, I am just moving forward constructing my life and my own self. Getting rid of every negative and toxic thing that holds me back from getting and doing what I actually want. Improving and enhancing all the good personality traits that I have. And finally and most importantly living my life and being happy. Cause a wise man once said that the only genuine purpose of this life is simply to be happy without any complications.

So this was the recap of my year. I’m forever grateful for everything that happened in this period, all the possibilities that I had connected with everything, all the fun that I had, all the inspiration. This gap year that I had, and still having was one of the best decisions of my life, to make up for the time I “lost” in school and university, to enhance what I’ve learned, to feel like a child or a teen once again before stepping into the bigger and greater life. To heal all the wounds of my soul and to rise once again like a phoenix.

So once again, I want to sincerely thank this whole year and the universe for absolutely everything that happened, and it doesn’t matter good or bad, everything was perfect just the way it was.

Thanks 2018 and farewell ! I can’t wait for the next year with all its great and amazing journey that is destined for me.

Merry and Bright ๐ŸŽ„๐Ÿ’ซ

Well, it wouldn’t be me without another Christmas blog, would it? I think I wrote every possible thing about this holiday, but with every new year I feel more inspired to write something else, to spread this holy jolly spirit.

Everyone seems so outgrown of this holiday, everything became so dumb and boring. People stopped believing which is really terrible when you start thinking much about it. And it’s not only the belief in Santa Claus for instance, it’s the whole thing. It’s about not believing that something really magical and great and awesome can ever happen. Everyone defines their own meaning of the word magical, so it’s all up to you. But to quit believing is just dreadful. All my friends stopped believing in Santa way before me. I still believe in him actually. Even if this sounds stupid and childish. I want my fuel and energy for my life be positiveness and believing in everything wonderful, magical and fascinating. Even if it’s not true. Even if everything won’t turn out the way I dream, so what? I had that sense of believing which lead me through the days. I had that warm feeling inside of me and I never let it go cold in my heart and soul. And I don’t care if it’s stupid, that’s what they call motivation or inspiration.

Christmas here served as a good metaphor. But it also has its literal interpretation. I believe in Christmas, in its spirit. I believe that good things happen and that magic happens you just have to keep your heart wide open for it and not deny it. This whole month is a big festivity itself. All the fairy lights which are my absolute favorite thing and not only for christmas. Their dances contain so much magic, as though you appear in a wonderland. Christmas songs, movies, snow(if you get lucky enough to have it). Decorating, being with your close ones, seeing all the lights in the night city, having chilly walks and then cuddling in a warm blanket with, of course, hot chocolate and a great movie. Being creative, making something special for this time, spreading christmas cheer and spirit, trying to touch even one person’s heart and warm it up. Making Elves from Scrooges or Grinches. (hope you get that metaphor). Just feeling festive and magical. And again believing. That’s all for this season. I don’t mention presents or great table because it’s not what it’s really about. If your main topic is getting presents, new fashionable clothes for celebrating, and food food food, then I must inform you that you’ve missed out the point of this holy times and you might need to sort out your priorities. And it’s totally up to you whether to join to this merry times or put it off blaming being tired, not having time, or being “grownups”. You will never be to old to feel happy and cherish everything your soul wants to cherish.

Anyway, I don’t want to lecture anyone now, because I’m too inspired for that. Just a little advice, remember your childhood, how you were getting excited for every little thing, how everything had so much magic in it. Remember those times, all the good memories that you had, recall them and try to bring back that joy that you had as a child. And just enjoy your times. And in this happy note, I’m saying my goodbye for now and waiting for the polar express to come and pick me up. One of the greatest cartoons btw, just watched it and highly recommend. It’s pure magic and kindness.

Merry Christmas everyone! ๐ŸŽ„๐Ÿ’ซ

p.s. as blogs are not enough for me, I made a little cozy video with one of my ultimate christmas songs in it, so check it out and get inspired. โœจ

The Illusion of Dissociation ๐Ÿ”›

Another great night, another topic to write about. Reading some of my old blogs made me realize that I often wrote almost the same thing about different situations. And it reminded me to write about something I wanted to say for a long time. The illusion of fragmentation or disconnection. So here we go.

When I say the illusion of fragmentation I mean the illusion or prejudice that people have that nothing is really connected in this world. I got this term from the greatest series Avatar. The wise Guru was talking about how we are connected, every single one of us. We are connected within ourselves, we are connected to animals, to nature, to universe, to everything. And that’s damn right. All the situations that happen in out lives are intertwined. Our fears cause our certain behavior, the sense of shame creates a long lists of the things we have to do, which in its turn leads to not saying, choosing or doing what we actually want, which makes us being not unique, just another product of nowadays. Which again makes us unhappy and miserable, we start complaining, loose our control over our lives and live the rest of our lives like robots. This list is actually way longer, I just don’t want to get too much into it.When someone complains about sth and you give advice to them, you’d probably hear “what does it have to do with my problems,” or “it doesn’t matter”. But that’s so not true. Once you change a tiny detail, in your life, doesn’t matter in which area of it, everything changes. Once you stop being afraid of being alone and stop lying or pleasing literally everyone your start being more sincere and confident, you like it and slowly take charge of your further actions. I really hope I’m expressing myself right.

We are all energies in this world. Everything we say or think or do is energies which create our lives. And that’s the very famous law of attraction. I still wonder why so many people don’t believe in it. I truly think that our thoughts, words, attitudes and actions represent our lives. Or I can say that our life is the reflection of what we think and do. Ever wonder why everything goes wrong with negative people? Why new and new problems fall on them just like avalanches? Because negative can’t and won’t attract positive to their lives. Even if they get rid of some negative, they’ll definitely get brand new portions of it.Some people always complain about everything. Weather, government, their friends or relatives, their looks etc. When seeing a rose, this kind of people always pay attention to its thorns and not beauty or good smell. People complain more than praise or thank anything that happens. That’s why bad things happen to them. You can’t go and buy shit and expect it to turn into flowers when you get home. But also don’t think that positive people have lives full of rainbows unicorns and golden shoes, no. Like all the people they get problems but with their light energies they overcome it easier. They take great lessons from their problems. And after every rainstorm they still got their rainbows and sunshine. When you think positively, when you truly believe that everything will turn out good even if it’s bad for a moment, you thoughts will reach the universe and bring what you believed in.

Another great thing, which I think is even more famous is the law of boomerang (no, not the effect for IG), and karma (again no, not the stupid unreasonable challenge of turning from beasts to beauties). These two, which in fact is the same thing are so great and work faster and better with every year. I guess I can say that karma is one of the levels of law of attraction. We get what we think or say or do. Basically karma is our court of justice in the universal level. Many people think that karma is only a bad thing, which is not true. Remember, karma is a bitch only if you are. If your life is full off bad deeds, don’t you even expect that karma will be nice to you. You’ll always get what you did but in a more powerful and painful way. Sadly, people often behave like complete assholes and still wonder why they have problems, why sth bad happens to them. Again, in the context of the current topic, they don’t think that something they did is connected with anything they get. They think that whatever they do just vanishes, disappears in the Black Hole. It’s convenient for them to think that they are all fluffy and good, and the life is unfair. No dears, we pay for everything we do. You can’t just idk kill someone, hit a kitten in the streets etc and don’t pay for it. One of the bad things of karma is that we don’t always get what we actually did to others. What I mean is if you betray someone, you won’t necessarily be betrayed by someone else. You may get fired, get sick or something else. And that makes it even harder to understand that it’s our boomerang that came back after a long trip. Idk why this happens in this way, but it does. So if you don’t get hit after hitting the same cat, don’t think that you’re untouchable and karma doesn’t exist or work. Another misconception of karma. When someone does sth bad, and they realize it and think that they can change or deceive their karma by praying or doing something good afterwards. It won’t work. It’s the same as if you killed someone and then make a donation for example, you would still be found guilty because of your murder. You still have to take the responsibility of your actions.

Karma works the same way on the positive level. When you do sth really good, not because of some personal gain, but just for Gods sake, you will definitely get rewarded. If you leave tips in cafes or cabs, you’ll get so much more later. When you are there for someone at their hardest times, you’ll get the same and even better help and support at your hour of need.

So again, don’t be afraid of karma. Be afraid, no, not even afraid, be beware of your actions. Say good, do good and you’ll receive nothing but good. Bad things don’t happen just accidentally. There’s always a reason behind them. So whenever you got problems, don’t complain about life or God being unfair to you. Just think what you did wrong and try to correct it and try to live right afterwards. It’s always okay to fail and make mistakes. We all make them and hence get our “punishment” or responding. But it’s us and our choice that decide the size, quality and type of our karma or law of attraction. Be good-attract good, and that’s it. There’s nothing really complicated about that. Just remember the simple rules of the universe, let the majority of your energies be positive, live your life and enjoy it!

The Little Realm ๐Ÿ’ซโ„๏ธ

I have nothing in particular to write about, just wanted to capture the current mood of mine by having a little chit chat with my own self in the form of this blog. Wo that was a hell long sentence.

It’s the game of lights that inspires me right now, and maybe the watching of new Nutcracker movie which contributed to my already festive and magical mood. And yes maybe again I would sound like a child, but aren’t children the happiest people on this earth? so why can’t we be children all over again? get excited about everything. find magic everywhere. Even in simple fairy lights? Right now I look on my lights around the window and they share so much with me. Magic, positivity, coziness, fantasy. Everything is so good when you add your imagination to them. Something children do all the time. It’s not just toys for them, it’s real people, real life. They add so much greatness to this dull world, that’s why they see only the good stuff. An excellent feature to preserve during our whole lives. Something I still manage to do. So it’s not just my room right now. It’s my fantasy realm, full of so many things that you can’t find somewhere else. It’s a whole world for me, where everything has its story, and if it doesn’t, I simply make it up.

And again it’s all about noticing the small insignificant at first sight details. These details, small bits and pieces give the whole smell and flavor to life. It’s not the destination that matters, but the road to it. I don’t know why I remembered it, but it’s so true. In our constant rushing chase of anything we miss so many magnificent things going on around us. So every now and then we just need to stop looking for something and actually see. See the beauty of this world that is hidden in simplicity. Like lights for instance, which became the inspiration of today’s philosophical talk. It’s nothing special right, just my room with fairy lights. But from now on it officially became my realm. Though it has been for a long time, I just seemed to forget about it. And everything is good here, everything is magical, full of positivity, good memories and stories.

I really don’t know what this was all about, once again, I wanted to freeze this fascinating moment of my imagination and write it down. Turned out a little bit of a mess, but I don’t really care.

So excuse me to leave soon this time, to enjoy my lights, my nutcracker ost, to which I’ve been listening for the past hour, and my own little realm of fairy lights and fantasy. โœจ

Freedom vs Loneliness โœ”๏ธ

One same situation, two different attitudes.

So, before starting with the psychological and philosophical discussion, here’s a preview consisting of my current situation.

I graduated and took a gap year. No further studies or job for an uncertain period of time. A time to relax, to get rid of all the shit collected in 15 years of mandatory regime and educational programs. A time to understand who I really am and what I want to do, what’s my purpose in this world. But we’re not gonna talk about it now. So back to the gap year. Almost all of my friends work/study, so ofc I don’t see them as often. Let’s say that I spend most of my time alone. Some people will see this depressing af, but for me, I didn’t even realized that how much of a time I spend alone. And surprisingly it wasn’t that bad, on the contrary it was really good. I’m not saying that I’m a sociopath or that I decided to spend my life as a nun in a monastery alone, but having no opportunity to hang out with my friends that often, gave me a lot of time to think and to act all on my own. It was a great lesson to be more and more independent with every new day. Shopping alone, having a walk alone. Making my own decisions even in small things such as in which direction to go or which top or candy to buy without anyone’s advice. But most importantly not feeling miserable because of loneliness no, quite the opposite, loving and enjoying my own company. If you spend some time alone and instantly feel bored, don’t know what to do, especially without your phone, and try to find any occasion to run from yourself, be around noise and people, then Houston, we have a problem. That’s a sign that you might need to have a, how do they say it, yes, a glow up of your soul, your interests, hobbies and personality. Otherwise you’re not just bored, you’re boring.

But it has a bad side I think. No, not for me. For the system of matrix. Learning to live on your own and rely on yourself kind of cuts you even more from the system and you become more “dangerous” and “weird” for the society. You kind of realize that you don’t need too much people around you, the people you don’t even like, but have to stick to for unknown reasons. You realize that family doesn’t start and end up with blood, so you don’t have to communicate with your relatives if they get on your nerves every single time you see them. That you can cut off the toxic people from your life, who have nothing but a negative effect on you or who treat you bad. That you can live alone, and still have a great time. Well at least I got that feeling. I think there’ll be lots of others, who staying alone for a while will befriend anyone who says “hello” to them. Who will be imposed to others in order to go somewhere not alone but with “someone”. And not even care for the content of that someone, just have the facade or the idea of a “friend” next to them. And it’s the fear of being alone. Well I had that one years ago, not gonna lie. But through time I realized the stupidity of it. You are not gonna feel yourself happy with fake friends or relatives. By fake I mean people, with whom you don’t have even a word in common. You will still feel lonely and miserable. So if that’s the case, why don’t you feel lonely in your home, with a good movie and cozy blanket? No company is better than bad company. I was seeing this quote so much for some time, I guess that was the first act of realizing new stuff. That’s what I kept saying even before I saw that quote. I always thought, that iiif I wouldn’t find my other half, whom I would truly love, I wouldn’t just marry someone, because they’re good, respectable, make good money, or some bullshit like that. That’s a slightly different topic, but still had a connection with this one.

Well again, my situation is not that I don’t have friends. I’m beyond grateful to have every single one of them, and realize that even if you don’t see each other often, you still remain best of friends with lots of topics to discuss and fun to have. People who actually care about you, who will be there for you no matter what and vice versa. It’s just another topic for my observation in my spare time. Finally understanding that it’s only your choice and attitude that matter. Whether it’s a loneliness or freedom. Freedom to do whatever you want and whenever you want. And become independent, something that used to be one of my flaws for some period. Counting too much on others, shifting my choices and responsibilities to others. But that’s one of the perks of life and personal growth. You learn things, correct mistakes and go ahead. And making your cons to the pros.

So what’s my choice of the attitude towards my situation? Obviously and definitely freedom.

p.s. searching for a photo for the cover of this blog I also found this one. Not really about what I wrote, just similar.

Rain Child ๐ŸŒง๐ŸŒ™

I could start this blog with a relevant beautiful quote about darkness, but I’m too lazy to go to google and find one.

You know when September comes, and many people suffer from whats so-called “autumn depression”, well I am not one of those people. I used to hate cloudy and rainy weather when I was in the phase of fitting in and faking it. But the more I grew up, the more I got attracted to the darker side. By saying the darker side I mean cloudy, gloomy days, mist, fog, night and everything that’s dark. I find relaxation in darkness. When it’s cloudy outside I feel so at peace and so cozy. When my classmates complained how the weather made them want to stay at home and not go anywhere, I was the opposite. I would get inspired to get out of the house. For a long time I couldn’t explain my strange love for darkness, but now I’m slowly realizing it.

When it is light and sunny, everything seems to be simple. Fun, light, positive but simple and on display. You see everything. And that’s it, you just see things the way they are, there is no mystery, complications or further story to that. For a person with such a huge imagination like me it is the highest peak of dullness. There’s no place to imagine and think about what could hide far away, deep in the clouds. When it is dark, you create your own world. You see everything the way you want to see it not the way it actually is. You make up a whole story, a whole image of the world of your own. There’s mystery in darkness. There’s magic and deep meaning in it. And I feel it. Feel every part of it. The power and peace of clouds, thunderstorms or rain. If there’s fog or mist, that’s just the ultimate perfection. There’s more room for building up your own world. And I just wait for a mysterious experience to happen, something to enjoy, something to remember.

When I’m home, and it’s raining, that’s another kind of satisfaction. You can’t imagine how I get excited whenever I see the cloudy sign in the weather podcast. Even when it’s raining for weeks, and everyone feels depressed and crushed, I feel my best. And again, why don’t I live in Great Britain? That’s the place that would suit me the most. Anyway, back to the topic. The sound of rain drops relaxes me so much, as though every drop clears everything negative and toxic from my soul, my mind and my life. Many people tell me “oh you could just download the app with different sounds and listen to it”, but no, no no no to that. It’s like instead of eating a pizza you will look its photos online. I hate how everything is getting connected to the phones, and people are constantly glued to their screens, leaving their lives. Not an app could possibly replace the real feeling of rain. It’s smell, it’s sounds, it’s everything. When I go to sleep and it’s raining, I can’t explain what I feel then. I feel so safe, idk why. As though something powerful and mysterious covers me like a blanket and serves as a protective shield from everything bad and evil outside. Like it’s my guardian angel putting me back to sleep. It’s the warmest feeling inside, like you just had a hot shower after a cold day. It’s like warm cuddles and coziness. It takes me to another place, a better and more magical place. I know this probably sounds insane, but that’s how it is.

And this doesn’t only refer to rainy weather. I can praise the nights or the moon in the same way. Staying up late has always been my favorite hobby. Looking out of the window, listening either to songs or just to the nature. Staring at the moon, wondering what’s in there. Sharing my secrets with her (I mean the moon), getting inspired, gaining energy from her, feeling mysterious. I’m a moon child and always has been. I always get inspired from the darkness. Almost all my blogs were written in night time or when it was cloudy and gloomy outside. That’s one more thing I like about darkness. It’s all about inspiration in the darkness. For me the darkness has a soul. An old and deep soul, just like mine, and maybe that’s the reason I connect with it so much. Maybe we’re soulmates. Maybe they came from or belong to the same place. And maybe that’s why I love and embrace and feel the best when it’s dark. When I don’t have to read or write anything, I don’t even turn on the light in my room. Just some fairy lights and candles. It makes everything so much comfier and again cozier. It makes me want to create. Doesn’t matter what kind of art it will be, music, writing, drawing, anything.

I guess that’s one of the meanings of life. To find what inspires you, what makes you feel the best you can ever feel. Finding your true self in something and never letting it go or fade away.

Here are some pics to get inspired ๐ŸŒ™

The Fatal Day ๐Ÿ”ฎโœจ

The last couple of days were cloudy and rainy, so no one got surprised that the next morning they woke up the weather was the same. ‘Just another miserable day’, were the thoughts of hundreds of people. But not for her. Only she noticed how this day was special, not like the other ones at all. The clouds were darker, but you could also see another pattern of color deep in there. It was yellow. Like a sign of apocalypse or something. The rest of the world seemed to be on mute and you could only hear the howling wind, like it was possessed but still was trying to warn about something really powerful and horrible. It wasn’t playing with the brunches of half naked trees as the usual wind would do, no this was a cruel invasion and the trees were trying to fight back, but in vain. The wind was much tougher. She was standing in front of the window, trying to understand what was going on. The mysterious mist suddenly appeared as from nowhere and covered the ground. ‘Now they shared the territory’, she thought, upper parts were dominated by the wind and lower parts by the mist. Then she heard a familiar voice. Most people connected it with death and darkness, but for her, these were just friends, always spreading the latest news. And these were crows. She always seemed to understand the cawing of crows. Sometimes it was something good, sometimes bad. But she never ever heard something like this. It was a huge exodus, crows flying all together as any other flock of birds, which they never did before. She tried to listen carefully to their croaking, but all she could hear was a real fear, a terror in their voices, telling everyone to run away or hide really well. She got really tensed from all these signs pointing at a sudden disaster. She quickly got her computer and started to google. Storm forecasts, earthquakes, tornado, the enemy attack, every possible thing she could have thought of. But nothing. Nothing connected with the place she lived in, or somewhere nearby. Why she did this was pretty simple and casual for her. She always predicted natural catastrophes. A nightmare of how she was drowning, and the next morning the news of massive flood somewhere on the other part of the Earth. Same with storms, earthquakes, fires and everything like that. But this time it was different. After making sure that everything is okay with the physical world, she started to look for the supernatural things. Flow of negative energy, full moon on the same line with Mars, solar flares, meteor shower a few days later, etc. These were either little clues that could lead to something, or had nothing to do with this at all. She then turned to her trustworthy old notebook that she got from her great/grandmother, hoping to find something in there, but in vain. She decided to go to the local library. Of course she wouldn’t find anything magical there, but the natural physical definitions of these phenomena could help her find the following traces.

As she walked through the familiar streets of the small town she lived in, her mind couldn’t stop working. ‘Maybe I’m just paranoid, and nothing will happen and it’s just a gloomy day’, she thought. But something within her was telling otherwise. You can call it intuition, natural instincts, psychic, guts, however you want. In reality it was a gift she had since childhood. She always predicted little things, like the teacher wouldn’t come to class, or the canceled exam, her future presents. She had small visions or dreams that came true. When she wanted or didn’t want something really hard, she was getting it. Her friends would call her witch for fun, others would think she’s just weird based on the things she used to talk about. She would just laugh and not pay attention to it, wouldn’t take it seriously. Of course she knew she was different, but she never thought that her gift was something special. Since childhood she was always interested and fascinated by magic, wizards, witches, mermaids, everything that you couldn’t find in real world. Later it became an interest for mystery, astrology, numerology, sorcery. She would try to improve her intuition, by different techniques she found on internet. That’s how she developed her gift. Goofing around and having fun brought her to this place now. She now called herself a witch or a wicca. Not to other people anyway, because everyone already thought she was weird. But don’t think that she was making voodoo dolls, jinxing or hexing people, making potions from frog legs or lizard skin, no. She was just in touch and in harmony with nature. She could feel it, listen, understand. She had visions and her intuition almost never failed her. She could heal herself and her close ones with different herbs or ointment that she was making or the energies she had in her hands. And that’s it.

Suddenly a ray of sunshine broke through the covers of clouds which brought her back to reality. Once again her mind told her that she’s just overreacting and there’s nothing to worry about. But the sunshine hid away as quickly as it appeared and she got that disturbing feeling again and her determination to find anything came back.

The library was one of the oldest buildings in town. A few centuries ago it was a huge mansion of a rich man, who loved collecting books. He didn’t have heirs but he loved children, and opened a part of his mansion as a public library for children, who could come and read there. He then left all his money to the town hall to rebuild the mansion as a big library after his death. The library had many floors and was full of lots of books collected from every corner of the world. It also had a reading room and a beautiful yard with benches, trees, a little fountain and a memorial dedicated to the late owner of the building. She loved this place the most in this small town. People would usually read inside, and the little yard was nearly always empty. She would sit there for hours reading, writing out some old recipes, information about herbs and plants, or some ancient legends, or just enjoy the peaceful day, gaining energy from this old and powerful place. She felt safe there, as though the spirit of the late owner was still keeping and protecting his favorite mansion. And she would always find the right books that she needed, even if she had no idea what she was looking for, like today. She took a few books and though it was a chilly morning, she went outside to her favorite place.

It was late October, her favorite month, the month of harvest, foliage, cool weather and more mysterious mood than ever. Many trees had already lost their leaves, but the maple trees behind the benches and near the fountain were still in the prime of life. They were bright and colorful as ever. She went to “her bench”, the leaves crunching beneath her boots. ‘Sometimes deaths and goodbyes are so beautiful’, she thought feeling the spirit of the prospering autumn.

With a good premonition and encouragement from her favorite place she started to read. And though she was strongly committed to solve this case, she couldn’t succeed. She looked through dozens of books about the meteor showers, the positions of moon and everything else she found online, but nothing. The only teeny tiny information she found was about the flow of energy in an antique keltic book. The book says that during the year there were two flows of energy-negative or destructive and positive or constructive. The first one usually fell during autumn or December and the second one occurred in spring or June. In ancient times people felt those energies and lived according to them. In spring time they were planting seeds, growing fruits and vegetables, opening the doors and windows of their houses so that the old evil spirit which might hide somewhere in the house would leave it. They would start bonfires, have feasts every now and then. And this would happen till the next flow of energy-the destructive one. At that time people would harvest, keep everything inside the house, gain the sunshine into the house. They would have their final feast a day before the flow, with the biggest bonfire, so that the evil would burn, and take some woods with holy fire home so that it would protect it during the first night. They would put the fire in front of the door or windows and go to sleep. And they would live as usual, working until it’s dark, and when it was dark they stayed home. If a misfortune happened they blamed it on the evil spirits and poured crosses of salt near the doors for additional protection.

That’s what she found. It was definitely something new and interesting but it didn’t connect with everything that happened earlier. If those flows occurred every year for centuries, why should it differ this time? Maybe this wasn’t what she needed. The library never betrayed her, she always found her answers in here. She was trying to remember and connect everything from today, as a woman came out of the building talking to phone and slowly walked towards the exit. “No, no, I’m telling you, it should be there. You must be mistaken, look carefully. My folder is a dark burgundy one, not bright red, you must be looking for something else. Okay fine, I’ll jump in the office for a minute and will come straight to you. Call me if you find something anyway.”

And she walked away. This ordinary daily conversation hit her. She was looking for the wrong thing. The woman said dark burgundy and not red, which meant that she was close but everything was quite darker than she thought. She started to analyze everything she read. The story of taking fire home and putting it near the windows or the door reminded her the story of Halloween. Maybe these two were connected somehow. It was another clue to look for it. She took a couple of other books of old kelts, about their traditions and Halloween. In one of the books she found that the negative flows close to Halloween were the most dangerous ones and people treated them more carefully. They would bring more fire, wear handmade amulets and put them in every dark corner of the house. A dim recollection passed through her head. It was something about the Halloween and the flows together that brought her this faint memory. Suddenly the big clock on the town hall struck 3 o’clock and reawakened her from her thoughts. She didn’t want to leave that safe place, nevertheless she got up and walked towards her house. On the way home she saw some gypsies, making focuses and entertaining people. One of the gypsies came to her and asked, “do you want me to read your fortune dear?” These words awakened the same feeling of the strange memory she had before. “No, thanks.” she said and rushed home. The words of the gypsy haunted her the whole way. She remembered something really important, something that happened a few years ago.

As she got home, she went straight to one of her drawers and started to look through it. And she found it, an old diary of herself. The gypsy made her remember what she had forgotten. One day, a few years ago, when she was a teenager and didn’t know much about herself, she went to a psychic with her friends, just for fun. The psychic told her that she had a special gift and powers which will grow with herself. She warned her though about a fatal day of choice she had to make and a danger that could happen. She had written down what the psychic had said in her diary not to forget anything. And it said “After you turn 21 be aware of the negative flow exactly one week before All Hallow’s Eve. The dark powers will rise along with the full moon and will try to entice you to the dark side. You must make the most fateful decision of your life, on which side are you. An old heirloom, a trustworthy spell and a special brew from everything new will also protect you.”

Isn’t this just great, she thought, the most important part is written in puns’. But she was satisfied with what she found. At least she knew it was connected with her and nothing would happen to the world.

The full moon would rise at 20:47, which meant she had approximately 5 hours. She tried to find the psychic that she went to, but in vain. Old heirloom, spell and brew. Something really witchy, something she had never used before. This thought brought her an epiphany. Her great-grandmother was a witch. Well at least that’s what the relatives would call her. She always talked about her treasures, and everyone thought it’d be money or gold. But when she passed away her relatives only found a few boxes full of witchy weird stuff. No one wanted it so she took it, as she loved everything connected with magic. There were a few amulets, necklaces, that her grandma made herself and her notebooks, which she used to read all the time. The first thing that got her attention was an amethyst ring, which she loved as a child but it was too big for her at that time. Amethyst was her lucky charm stone so she gave it a try and put on. She felt warmness in her hand, as if she put it under warm water after a freezing winter day. That’s i, an old heirloom. One thing done. She looked through the notebooks hoping to find the spell or maybe a recipe for a brew. But nothing, nothing about the flows, fatal decision or its protection.

The time was going extremely slow. She heard and felt every single ticking of the clock. She could have a nervous wreck any minute, as she didn’t find anything except the heirloom.

It was already 6:30. Only one hour left. She went to kitchen to at least eat something when she saw the herbs and plants that she bought but hadn’t used yet. Then she got it. A special brew from everything new. Everything that she hadn’t used, it’s brand new. She collected everything, all the herbs, plants, seeds and oils that she bought from antique shops and local markets. She gathered them in a pot and warmed it up for a while. That was too much even for her. She thought of herself as a witch but never did something like this before. She didn’t even knew whether it turned out right or not, neither did she knew what to do with that goop. But at least she did something. And now all that’s left was the trustworthy spell. She searched every possible website but all she found were either some childish rhymes or devil worship verses, which were probably fake. She didn’t know what else to do, so she only counted on fate and good luck.

Finally the fatal hour had come. The waiting process was harder and more exhausting than the actual time of darkness. The sky was partly cloudy now and she could see the big moon rising. It was dark yellow, just like the pattern of the clouds in the morning. There were no stars, just the moon and the almost black clouds. That’s it, the negative flow was coming. She decided to lit some black candles on the windowsills, just like in the legend of kelts. On one of the windowsills she saw a little pot which she didn’t remember putting there. She immediately thought of the brew. It should be placed on the windowsills for protection. Hopefully it would help.

Nothing happened for a while. Then she heard the voice of the thunderstorm though the sky was only partly cloudy. The lights started to flicker and even the cat started hissing and seemed to feel that something bad is going on. She was sitting in the couch wearing the ring and other amulets for protection. All the books, notebooks and diaries laid out on the floor right in front of her. The cat approached to one of the half-empty diaries of her grandma and started meowing. She looked closer and saw writings that weren’t there before. She read aloud:

accept your new powers,

come, take your new gift,

it’s only one hour

for this graveyard shift.

don’t you worry, there’s no need

“I accept it” just repeat

now it’s time for a little bleed

and your powers are guaranteed.


As she finished the last line she had a strange emptiness inside. She didn’t have any feelings, only her mind and logic were working. The rhymes were written in her grandmas handwriting and the letter N was here name, Nicole. She got really confused. She thought about the decision of which side to choose. Grandma was a good person, maybe she was trying to help her get to the good side? She had already connected and helped her before through a photo, ouija or wind. It’s her, it should be. It was strange though that she didn’t have any vision or intuition about it. It was like her heart and soul were frozen and she only got her mind, which was telling her to say it.

I accept it. The lights started to flicker harder, half of the candles blow off, a few glasses fell down and broke.

I accept it. The lightning stroke right above the building and the lights went off. Everything started shattering as from an earthquake.

I...she couldn’t finish. The cat jumped on her and started to scratch her. She fought back and threw the cat away. She wanted to continue but felt warmness above her mouth. It was blood, dark almost black. She looked down at the notebook and saw the same lines but in other handwriting, also written in blood. Instead of the letter N she saw an old symbol, symbol of evil, demons, darkness. She finally realized that she was trapped but didn’t know what to do. She was paralyzed and numb, her heart kept quiet. Her mind was telling her the same words over and over again “I accept it, accept it, accept it” and these words were sliding from her brain into her tongue tempting her to say it. She was half possessed but something within her was trying to got through it. If only she got the spell. She was trying to made her mind work on her side. If the evil and demons were the darkness, what would be the weapon against it? Light. She started to think of light, tried to see it with her third eye, which was extremely hard considering the facts that she was half possessed and it was a total darkness in the room. But she was trying to do her best. Light, light, light. God please help…

That’s when it hit her. The opposite of evil it’s not just light. It’s God. The trustworthy spell was…the Lord’s prayer. Something that never failed or betrayed. She started to say it in Latin. It was hard really hard, every word was causing her indescribable pain, she was feeling a bitter taste of blood in her mouth and couldn’t breathe. Two times said, only one left.

Quia tuum est
et potestas,
et gloria in saecula.


She fell down on her knees. She finally felt her body, she felt her heartbeat, her pulse. She saw a bright white light, though she wasn’t sure whether that was in reality or just in her head. The candles got lit again, the earthquake stopped, the thunderstorm started to move far far away. The lines on the notebook disappeared only leaving a blood spot in the place of the symbol.

It took her some time to regain consciousness. And then she finally understood everything. She was waiting for some demons or ghosts or human like someone, but it was all the matter of energies. They always existed side to side, just like yin and yang. She couldn’t destroy it, no one could, the world would get in chaos then. The energies were in an eternal fight for souls for ever. The dark side seduced people with wealth, love, powers, fulfillment of all desires. Sadly lots of people bought that and became the carriers of darkness. The light side didn’t offer anything in particular. Just a fair life, and a fair death at the end. And the higher energies or God, as people liked to call him, would always be there, always protecting and leading to the best place. She had read about it, but she didn’t know that the energies could obtain physical powers and posses or paralyze people. She always thought it was on psychological level and it was people’s choice. The brew and heirloom would protect her and nothing would happen if she hadn’t read the rhymes. But as she read them, the energies gained their complete power and control over her body, mind and soul. The heirloom and brew couldn’t further help her, that’s why she needed all the three ingredients including the spell, just to be safe in any case.

She felt stupid for not understanding anything about the energies and their power earlier, as now it seemed so simple and easy. After she turned 21 she could constantly feel some kind of battle inside and outside her. She would face some strange dark things. There were times that she gave up and accept a little part of seduction from the dark side. But she always felt herself bad afterwards and regretted it and did everything to atone for whatever she did. But now it was finally over. She choose the right side. And she felt so good and at ease. It was strange but she also felt like she gained more powers accepting the light side.

She cleaned up the house, fed and thanked the cat for the interference in the perfect time and went to sleep, leaving the brew and candles to burn out the last traces of evil from the house.

Two Yearsโ€™ Progress ๐Ÿ”›

We haven’t had philosophical monologues for a long time, have we?

No this time it didn’t start from a song. Which is really surprising btw. It started from me. My old words, my old thoughts which I have forgotten. I started to reread my old blogs of 2016, when I overcame a hard stage of my life, got inspired and motivated again and restarted my blog.

Whenever I looked back at myself, I always thought “how stupid I was at that time”. I think this is the only existing exception, when I read something I wrote 2 years ago, and I not only feel proud of myself, but also get the same feeling I had while writing it. What do people call it? Butterflies in stomach? Heart beating? Whatever. My soul reacted to my writings, which my mind totally forgot. I think that’s when you can say that you did something with your whole heart, when you have goosebumps from your own words. It’s like a meeting with an old best friend. A friend who all those years was me, about whom I sometimes forget, to which I apologize.

Something is different though, in my writings. And I’m still trying to figure out what. Of course, through years I’ve learned new words and expressions, but that’s not it. I think I might be lighter at that time? Or more serious now. And it’s not that I’ve changed or my thoughts or feelings. I think it’s the courage that I got to write down everything, well almost everything, the way they are. Not to hide, not to lie not to be quiet. I don’t know why, I literally don’t. At those time I was writing more about my inspirations, about the good and positive, trying go ignore the bad sides and the problems. I was, I think more focused on others than me. Trying to motivate and inspire others, to please everyone through my words. And it wasn’t only through my blogs but in general. I think I might care about everyone else’s opinions/moods more than I did about my own self. But it wasn’t something I did intentionally. I just didn’t want to talk about the bad stuff and wanted to be a light, a hope, a strong shoulder for everyone else. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough to acknowledge my weaknesses at that time. Or wanted to ignore it so it would go away. But that’s not how it usually works. You have to know you bad sides, your fears and problems, even share them, but not pay much attention to them and not focus on them. That’s what I’ve been doing recently. If in 2016 I was slowly trying to accept the fact that I’m different, my weird interests and tastes, my lifestyle and hobbies, now, well for a year I think, I am also trying to accept the dark side of myself, which in reality is a great progress. And maybe two years are considered to be slow, but with steady steps I’m walking forward, still working on myself; still learning.

It’s really crazy how I put the words and my questions down, and the answers come to me immediately as I write. I know now what’s different about the two mes. But not too much. I’m still the same easily inspired person, gettin super excited for everything new, new season, new holiday etc. Also an important part. Not to focus on the negative and keep the happiness and excitement of life within yourself.

If I met someone right now, I could easily say “You met me at a very strange time in my life”, a building in front of us could blow up and fell down and we would be literally in a movie. Ofc it wouldn’t happen, by this I’m just saying that now is really a strange period of my life. Recollecting the past, enjoying the present and dreaming about the future. Exploring, learning, thinking. There’s never enough time for that. But I think I just went too far again, so I’ll just stop. Just wanted to share this moment with myself, so that in two years I would know, that two years before I was super proud of myself of two years ago…wait what? that’s how strange I am.