The Little Realm šŸ’«ā„ļø

I have nothing in particular to write about, just wanted to capture the current mood of mine by having a little chit chat with my own self in the form of this blog. Wo that was a hell long sentence.

It’s the game of lights that inspires me right now, and maybe the watching of new Nutcracker movie which contributed to my already festive and magical mood. And yes maybe again I would sound like a child, but aren’t children the happiest people on this earth? so why can’t we be children all over again? get excited about everything. find magic everywhere. Even in simple fairy lights? Right now I look on my lights around the window and they share so much with me. Magic, positivity, coziness, fantasy. Everything is so good when you add your imagination to them. Something children do all the time. It’s not just toys for them, it’s real people, real life. They add so much greatness to this dull world, that’s why they see only the good stuff. An excellent feature to preserve during our whole lives. Something I still manage to do. So it’s not just my room right now. It’s my fantasy realm, full of so many things that you can’t find somewhere else. It’s a whole world for me, where everything has its story, and if it doesn’t, I simply make it up.

And again it’s all about noticing the small insignificant at first sight details. These details, small bits and pieces give the whole smell and flavor to life. It’s not the destination that matters, but the road to it. I don’t know why I remembered it, but it’s so true. In our constant rushing chase of anything we miss so many magnificent things going on around us. So every now and then we just need to stop looking for something and actually see. See the beauty of this world that is hidden in simplicity. Like lights for instance, which became the inspiration of today’s philosophical talk. It’s nothing special right, just my room with fairy lights. But from now on it officially became my realm. Though it has been for a long time, I just seemed to forget about it. And everything is good here, everything is magical, full of positivity, good memories and stories.

I really don’t know what this was all about, once again, I wanted to freeze this fascinating moment of my imagination and write it down. Turned out a little bit of a mess, but I don’t really care.

So excuse me to leave soon this time, to enjoy my lights, my nutcracker ost, to which I’ve been listening for the past hour, and my own little realm of fairy lights and fantasy. āœØ

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Freedom vs Loneliness āœ”ļø

One same situation, two different attitudes.

So, before starting with the psychological and philosophical discussion, here’s a preview consisting of my current situation.

I graduated and took a gap year. No further studies or job for an uncertain period of time. A time to relax, to get rid of all the shit collected in 15 years of mandatory regime and educational programs. A time to understand who I really am and what I want to do, what’s my purpose in this world. But we’re not gonna talk about it now. So back to the gap year. Almost all of my friends work/study, so ofc I don’t see them as often. Let’s say that I spend most of my time alone. Some people will see this depressing af, but for me, I didn’t even realized that how much of a time I spend alone. And surprisingly it wasn’t that bad, on the contrary it was really good. I’m not saying that I’m a sociopath or that I decided to spend my life as a nun in a monastery alone, but having no opportunity to hang out with my friends that often, gave me a lot of time to think and to act all on my own. It was a great lesson to be more and more independent with every new day. Shopping alone, having a walk alone. Making my own decisions even in small things such as in which direction to go or which top or candy to buy without anyone’s advice. But most importantly not feeling miserable because of loneliness no, quite the opposite, loving and enjoying my own company. If you spend some time alone and instantly feel bored, don’t know what to do, especially without your phone, and try to find any occasion to run from yourself, be around noise and people, then Houston, we have a problem. That’s a sign that you might need to have a, how do they say it, yes, a glow up of your soul, your interests, hobbies and personality. Otherwise you’re not just bored, you’re boring.

But it has a bad side I think. No, not for me. For the system of matrix. Learning to live on your own and rely on yourself kind of cuts you even more from the system and you become more “dangerous” and “weird” for the society. You kind of realize that you don’t need too much people around you, the people you don’t even like, but have to stick to for unknown reasons. You realize that family doesn’t start and end up with blood, so you don’t have to communicate with your relatives if they get on your nerves every single time you see them. That you can cut off the toxic people from your life, who have nothing but a negative effect on you or who treat you bad. That you can live alone, and still have a great time. Well at least I got that feeling. I think there’ll be lots of others, who staying alone for a while will befriend anyone who says “hello” to them. Who will be imposed to others in order to go somewhere not alone but with “someone”. And not even care for the content of that someone, just have the facade or the idea of a “friend” next to them. And it’s the fear of being alone. Well I had that one years ago, not gonna lie. But through time I realized the stupidity of it. You are not gonna feel yourself happy with fake friends or relatives. By fake I mean people, with whom you don’t have even a word in common. You will still feel lonely and miserable. So if that’s the case, why don’t you feel lonely in your home, with a good movie and cozy blanket? No company is better than bad company. I was seeing this quote so much for some time, I guess that was the first act of realizing new stuff. That’s what I kept saying even before I saw that quote. I always thought, that iiif I wouldn’t find my other half, whom I would truly love, I wouldn’t just marry someone, because they’re good, respectable, make good money, or some bullshit like that. That’s a slightly different topic, but still had a connection with this one.

Well again, my situation is not that I don’t have friends. I’m beyond grateful to have every single one of them, and realize that even if you don’t see each other often, you still remain best of friends with lots of topics to discuss and fun to have. People who actually care about you, who will be there for you no matter what and vice versa. It’s just another topic for my observation in my spare time. Finally understanding that it’s only your choice and attitude that matter. Whether it’s a loneliness or freedom. Freedom to do whatever you want and whenever you want. And become independent, something that used to be one of my flaws for some period. Counting too much on others, shifting my choices and responsibilities to others. But that’s one of the perks of life and personal growth. You learn things, correct mistakes and go ahead. And making your cons to the pros.

So what’s my choice of the attitude towards my situation? Obviously and definitely freedom.

p.s. searching for a photo for the cover of this blog I also found this one. Not really about what I wrote, just similar.

Rain Child šŸŒ§šŸŒ™

I could start this blog with a relevant beautiful quote about darkness, but I’m too lazy to go to google and find one.

You know when September comes, and many people suffer from whats so-called “autumn depression”, well I am not one of those people. I used to hate cloudy and rainy weather when I was in the phase of fitting in and faking it. But the more I grew up, the more I got attracted to the darker side. By saying the darker side I mean cloudy, gloomy days, mist, fog, night and everything that’s dark. I find relaxation in darkness. When it’s cloudy outside I feel so at peace and so cozy. When my classmates complained how the weather made them want to stay at home and not go anywhere, I was the opposite. I would get inspired to get out of the house. For a long time I couldn’t explain my strange love for darkness, but now I’m slowly realizing it.

When it is light and sunny, everything seems to be simple. Fun, light, positive but simple and on display. You see everything. And that’s it, you just see things the way they are, there is no mystery, complications or further story to that. For a person with such a huge imagination like me it is the highest peak of dullness. There’s no place to imagine and think about what could hide far away, deep in the clouds. When it is dark, you create your own world. You see everything the way you want to see it not the way it actually is. You make up a whole story, a whole image of the world of your own. There’s mystery in darkness. There’s magic and deep meaning in it. And I feel it. Feel every part of it. The power and peace of clouds, thunderstorms or rain. If there’s fog or mist, that’s just the ultimate perfection. There’s more room for building up your own world. And I just wait for a mysterious experience to happen, something to enjoy, something to remember.

When I’m home, and it’s raining, that’s another kind of satisfaction. You can’t imagine how I get excited whenever I see the cloudy sign in the weather podcast. Even when it’s raining for weeks, and everyone feels depressed and crushed, I feel my best. And again, why don’t I live in Great Britain? That’s the place that would suit me the most. Anyway, back to the topic. The sound of rain drops relaxes me so much, as though every drop clears everything negative and toxic from my soul, my mind and my life. Many people tell me “oh you could just download the app with different sounds and listen to it”, but no, no no no to that. It’s like instead of eating a pizza you will look its photos online. I hate how everything is getting connected to the phones, and people are constantly glued to their screens, leaving their lives. Not an app could possibly replace the real feeling of rain. It’s smell, it’s sounds, it’s everything. When I go to sleep and it’s raining, I can’t explain what I feel then. I feel so safe, idk why. As though something powerful and mysterious covers me like a blanket and serves as a protective shield from everything bad and evil outside. Like it’s my guardian angel putting me back to sleep. It’s the warmest feeling inside, like you just had a hot shower after a cold day. It’s like warm cuddles and coziness. It takes me to another place, a better and more magical place. I know this probably sounds insane, but that’s how it is.

And this doesn’t only refer to rainy weather. I can praise the nights or the moon in the same way. Staying up late has always been my favorite hobby. Looking out of the window, listening either to songs or just to the nature. Staring at the moon, wondering what’s in there. Sharing my secrets with her (I mean the moon), getting inspired, gaining energy from her, feeling mysterious. I’m a moon child and always has been. I always get inspired from the darkness. Almost all my blogs were written in night time or when it was cloudy and gloomy outside. That’s one more thing I like about darkness. It’s all about inspiration in the darkness. For me the darkness has a soul. An old and deep soul, just like mine, and maybe that’s the reason I connect with it so much. Maybe we’re soulmates. Maybe they came from or belong to the same place. And maybe that’s why I love and embrace and feel the best when it’s dark. When I don’t have to read or write anything, I don’t even turn on the light in my room. Just some fairy lights and candles. It makes everything so much comfier and again cozier. It makes me want to create. Doesn’t matter what kind of art it will be, music, writing, drawing, anything.

I guess that’s one of the meanings of life. To find what inspires you, what makes you feel the best you can ever feel. Finding your true self in something and never letting it go or fade away.

Here are some pics to get inspired šŸŒ™

The Fatal Day šŸ”®āœØ

The last couple of days were cloudy and rainy, so no one got surprised that the next morning they woke up the weather was the same. ‘Just another miserable day’, were the thoughts of hundreds of people. But not for her. Only she noticed how this day was special, not like the other ones at all. The clouds were darker, but you could also see another pattern of color deep in there. It was yellow. Like a sign of apocalypse or something. The rest of the world seemed to be on mute and you could only hear the howling wind, like it was possessed but still was trying to warn about something really powerful and horrible. It wasn’t playing with the brunches of half naked trees as the usual wind would do, no this was a cruel invasion and the trees were trying to fight back, but in vain. The wind was much tougher. She was standing in front of the window, trying to understand what was going on. The mysterious mist suddenly appeared as from nowhere and covered the ground. ‘Now they shared the territory’, she thought, upper parts were dominated by the wind and lower parts by the mist. Then she heard a familiar voice. Most people connected it with death and darkness, but for her, these were just friends, always spreading the latest news. And these were crows. She always seemed to understand the cawing of crows. Sometimes it was something good, sometimes bad. But she never ever heard something like this. It was a huge exodus, crows flying all together as any other flock of birds, which they never did before. She tried to listen carefully to their croaking, but all she could hear was a real fear, a terror in their voices, telling everyone to run away or hide really well. She got really tensed from all these signs pointing at a sudden disaster. She quickly got her computer and started to google. Storm forecasts, earthquakes, tornado, the enemy attack, every possible thing she could have thought of. But nothing. Nothing connected with the place she lived in, or somewhere nearby. Why she did this was pretty simple and casual for her. She always predicted natural catastrophes. A nightmare of how she was drowning, and the next morning the news of massive flood somewhere on the other part of the Earth. Same with storms, earthquakes, fires and everything like that. But this time it was different. After making sure that everything is okay with the physical world, she started to look for the supernatural things. Flow of negative energy, full moon on the same line with Mars, solar flares, meteor shower a few days later, etc. These were either little clues that could lead to something, or had nothing to do with this at all. She then turned to her trustworthy old notebook that she got from her great/grandmother, hoping to find something in there, but in vain. She decided to go to the local library. Of course she wouldn’t find anything magical there, but the natural physical definitions of these phenomena could help her find the following traces.

As she walked through the familiar streets of the small town she lived in, her mind couldn’t stop working. ‘Maybe I’m just paranoid, and nothing will happen and it’s just a gloomy day’, she thought. But something within her was telling otherwise. You can call it intuition, natural instincts, psychic, guts, however you want. In reality it was a gift she had since childhood. She always predicted little things, like the teacher wouldn’t come to class, or the canceled exam, her future presents. She had small visions or dreams that came true. When she wanted or didn’t want something really hard, she was getting it. Her friends would call her witch for fun, others would think she’s just weird based on the things she used to talk about. She would just laugh and not pay attention to it, wouldn’t take it seriously. Of course she knew she was different, but she never thought that her gift was something special. Since childhood she was always interested and fascinated by magic, wizards, witches, mermaids, everything that you couldn’t find in real world. Later it became an interest for mystery, astrology, numerology, sorcery. She would try to improve her intuition, by different techniques she found on internet. That’s how she developed her gift. Goofing around and having fun brought her to this place now. She now called herself a witch or a wicca. Not to other people anyway, because everyone already thought she was weird. But don’t think that she was making voodoo dolls, jinxing or hexing people, making potions from frog legs or lizard skin, no. She was just in touch and in harmony with nature. She could feel it, listen, understand. She had visions and her intuition almost never failed her. She could heal herself and her close ones with different herbs or ointment that she was making or the energies she had in her hands. And that’s it.

Suddenly a ray of sunshine broke through the covers of clouds which brought her back to reality. Once again her mind told her that she’s just overreacting and there’s nothing to worry about. But the sunshine hid away as quickly as it appeared and she got that disturbing feeling again and her determination to find anything came back.

The library was one of the oldest buildings in town. A few centuries ago it was a huge mansion of a rich man, who loved collecting books. He didn’t have heirs but he loved children, and opened a part of his mansion as a public library for children, who could come and read there. He then left all his money to the town hall to rebuild the mansion as a big library after his death. The library had many floors and was full of lots of books collected from every corner of the world. It also had a reading room and a beautiful yard with benches, trees, a little fountain and a memorial dedicated to the late owner of the building. She loved this place the most in this small town. People would usually read inside, and the little yard was nearly always empty. She would sit there for hours reading, writing out some old recipes, information about herbs and plants, or some ancient legends, or just enjoy the peaceful day, gaining energy from this old and powerful place. She felt safe there, as though the spirit of the late owner was still keeping and protecting his favorite mansion. And she would always find the right books that she needed, even if she had no idea what she was looking for, like today. She took a few books and though it was a chilly morning, she went outside to her favorite place.

It was late October, her favorite month, the month of harvest, foliage, cool weather and more mysterious mood than ever. Many trees had already lost their leaves, but the maple trees behind the benches and near the fountain were still in the prime of life. They were bright and colorful as ever. She went to “her bench”, the leaves crunching beneath her boots. ‘Sometimes deaths and goodbyes are so beautiful’, she thought feeling the spirit of the prospering autumn.

With a good premonition and encouragement from her favorite place she started to read. And though she was strongly committed to solve this case, she couldn’t succeed. She looked through dozens of books about the meteor showers, the positions of moon and everything else she found online, but nothing. The only teeny tiny information she found was about the flow of energy in an antique keltic book. The book says that during the year there were two flows of energy-negative or destructive and positive or constructive. The first one usually fell during autumn or December and the second one occurred in spring or June. In ancient times people felt those energies and lived according to them. In spring time they were planting seeds, growing fruits and vegetables, opening the doors and windows of their houses so that the old evil spirit which might hide somewhere in the house would leave it. They would start bonfires, have feasts every now and then. And this would happen till the next flow of energy-the destructive one. At that time people would harvest, keep everything inside the house, gain the sunshine into the house. They would have their final feast a day before the flow, with the biggest bonfire, so that the evil would burn, and take some woods with holy fire home so that it would protect it during the first night. They would put the fire in front of the door or windows and go to sleep. And they would live as usual, working until it’s dark, and when it was dark they stayed home. If a misfortune happened they blamed it on the evil spirits and poured crosses of salt near the doors for additional protection.

That’s what she found. It was definitely something new and interesting but it didn’t connect with everything that happened earlier. If those flows occurred every year for centuries, why should it differ this time? Maybe this wasn’t what she needed. The library never betrayed her, she always found her answers in here. She was trying to remember and connect everything from today, as a woman came out of the building talking to phone and slowly walked towards the exit. “No, no, I’m telling you, it should be there. You must be mistaken, look carefully. My folder is a dark burgundy one, not bright red, you must be looking for something else. Okay fine, I’ll jump in the office for a minute and will come straight to you. Call me if you find something anyway.”

And she walked away. This ordinary daily conversation hit her. She was looking for the wrong thing. The woman said dark burgundy and not red, which meant that she was close but everything was quite darker than she thought. She started to analyze everything she read. The story of taking fire home and putting it near the windows or the door reminded her the story of Halloween. Maybe these two were connected somehow. It was another clue to look for it. She took a couple of other books of old kelts, about their traditions and Halloween. In one of the books she found that the negative flows close to Halloween were the most dangerous ones and people treated them more carefully. They would bring more fire, wear handmade amulets and put them in every dark corner of the house. A dim recollection passed through her head. It was something about the Halloween and the flows together that brought her this faint memory. Suddenly the big clock on the town hall struck 3 o’clock and reawakened her from her thoughts. She didn’t want to leave that safe place, nevertheless she got up and walked towards her house. On the way home she saw some gypsies, making focuses and entertaining people. One of the gypsies came to her and asked, “do you want me to read your fortune dear?” These words awakened the same feeling of the strange memory she had before. “No, thanks.” she said and rushed home. The words of the gypsy haunted her the whole way. She remembered something really important, something that happened a few years ago.

As she got home, she went straight to one of her drawers and started to look through it. And she found it, an old diary of herself. The gypsy made her remember what she had forgotten. One day, a few years ago, when she was a teenager and didn’t know much about herself, she went to a psychic with her friends, just for fun. The psychic told her that she had a special gift and powers which will grow with herself. She warned her though about a fatal day of choice she had to make and a danger that could happen. She had written down what the psychic had said in her diary not to forget anything. And it said “After you turn 21 be aware of the negative flow exactly one week before All Hallow’s Eve. The dark powers will rise along with the full moon and will try to entice you to the dark side. You must make the most fateful decision of your life, on which side are you. An old heirloom, a trustworthy spell and a special brew from everything new will also protect you.”

Isn’t this just great, she thought, the most important part is written in puns’. But she was satisfied with what she found. At least she knew it was connected with her and nothing would happen to the world.

The full moon would rise at 20:47, which meant she had approximately 5 hours. She tried to find the psychic that she went to, but in vain. Old heirloom, spell and brew. Something really witchy, something she had never used before. This thought brought her an epiphany. Her great-grandmother was a witch. Well at least that’s what the relatives would call her. She always talked about her treasures, and everyone thought it’d be money or gold. But when she passed away her relatives only found a few boxes full of witchy weird stuff. No one wanted it so she took it, as she loved everything connected with magic. There were a few amulets, necklaces, that her grandma made herself and her notebooks, which she used to read all the time. The first thing that got her attention was an amethyst ring, which she loved as a child but it was too big for her at that time. Amethyst was her lucky charm stone so she gave it a try and put on. She felt warmness in her hand, as if she put it under warm water after a freezing winter day. That’s i, an old heirloom. One thing done. She looked through the notebooks hoping to find the spell or maybe a recipe for a brew. But nothing, nothing about the flows, fatal decision or its protection.

The time was going extremely slow. She heard and felt every single ticking of the clock. She could have a nervous wreck any minute, as she didn’t find anything except the heirloom.

It was already 6:30. Only one hour left. She went to kitchen to at least eat something when she saw the herbs and plants that she bought but hadn’t used yet. Then she got it. A special brew from everything new. Everything that she hadn’t used, it’s brand new. She collected everything, all the herbs, plants, seeds and oils that she bought from antique shops and local markets. She gathered them in a pot and warmed it up for a while. That was too much even for her. She thought of herself as a witch but never did something like this before. She didn’t even knew whether it turned out right or not, neither did she knew what to do with that goop. But at least she did something. And now all that’s left was the trustworthy spell. She searched every possible website but all she found were either some childish rhymes or devil worship verses, which were probably fake. She didn’t know what else to do, so she only counted on fate and good luck.

Finally the fatal hour had come. The waiting process was harder and more exhausting than the actual time of darkness. The sky was partly cloudy now and she could see the big moon rising. It was dark yellow, just like the pattern of the clouds in the morning. There were no stars, just the moon and the almost black clouds. That’s it, the negative flow was coming. She decided to lit some black candles on the windowsills, just like in the legend of kelts. On one of the windowsills she saw a little pot which she didn’t remember putting there. She immediately thought of the brew. It should be placed on the windowsills for protection. Hopefully it would help.

Nothing happened for a while. Then she heard the voice of the thunderstorm though the sky was only partly cloudy. The lights started to flicker and even the cat started hissing and seemed to feel that something bad is going on. She was sitting in the couch wearing the ring and other amulets for protection. All the books, notebooks and diaries laid out on the floor right in front of her. The cat approached to one of the half-empty diaries of her grandma and started meowing. She looked closer and saw writings that weren’t there before. She read aloud:

accept your new powers,

come, take your new gift,

it’s only one hour

for this graveyard shift.

don’t you worry, there’s no need

“I accept it” just repeat

now it’s time for a little bleed

and your powers are guaranteed.

N.

As she finished the last line she had a strange emptiness inside. She didn’t have any feelings, only her mind and logic were working. The rhymes were written in her grandmas handwriting and the letter N was here name, Nicole. She got really confused. She thought about the decision of which side to choose. Grandma was a good person, maybe she was trying to help her get to the good side? She had already connected and helped her before through a photo, ouija or wind. It’s her, it should be. It was strange though that she didn’t have any vision or intuition about it. It was like her heart and soul were frozen and she only got her mind, which was telling her to say it.

I accept it. The lights started to flicker harder, half of the candles blow off, a few glasses fell down and broke.

I accept it. The lightning stroke right above the building and the lights went off. Everything started shattering as from an earthquake.

I...she couldn’t finish. The cat jumped on her and started to scratch her. She fought back and threw the cat away. She wanted to continue but felt warmness above her mouth. It was blood, dark almost black. She looked down at the notebook and saw the same lines but in other handwriting, also written in blood. Instead of the letter N she saw an old symbol, symbol of evil, demons, darkness. She finally realized that she was trapped but didn’t know what to do. She was paralyzed and numb, her heart kept quiet. Her mind was telling her the same words over and over again “I accept it, accept it, accept it” and these words were sliding from her brain into her tongue tempting her to say it. She was half possessed but something within her was trying to got through it. If only she got the spell. She was trying to made her mind work on her side. If the evil and demons were the darkness, what would be the weapon against it? Light. She started to think of light, tried to see it with her third eye, which was extremely hard considering the facts that she was half possessed and it was a total darkness in the room. But she was trying to do her best. Light, light, light. God please help…

That’s when it hit her. The opposite of evil it’s not just light. It’s God. The trustworthy spell was…the Lord’s prayer. Something that never failed or betrayed. She started to say it in Latin. It was hard really hard, every word was causing her indescribable pain, she was feeling a bitter taste of blood in her mouth and couldn’t breathe. Two times said, only one left.

Quia tuum est
regnum,
et potestas,
et gloria in saecula.

Amen.

She fell down on her knees. She finally felt her body, she felt her heartbeat, her pulse. She saw a bright white light, though she wasn’t sure whether that was in reality or just in her head. The candles got lit again, the earthquake stopped, the thunderstorm started to move far far away. The lines on the notebook disappeared only leaving a blood spot in the place of the symbol.

It took her some time to regain consciousness. And then she finally understood everything. She was waiting for some demons or ghosts or human like someone, but it was all the matter of energies. They always existed side to side, just like yin and yang. She couldn’t destroy it, no one could, the world would get in chaos then. The energies were in an eternal fight for souls for ever. The dark side seduced people with wealth, love, powers, fulfillment of all desires. Sadly lots of people bought that and became the carriers of darkness. The light side didn’t offer anything in particular. Just a fair life, and a fair death at the end. And the higher energies or God, as people liked to call him, would always be there, always protecting and leading to the best place. She had read about it, but she didn’t know that the energies could obtain physical powers and posses or paralyze people. She always thought it was on psychological level and it was people’s choice. The brew and heirloom would protect her and nothing would happen if she hadn’t read the rhymes. But as she read them, the energies gained their complete power and control over her body, mind and soul. The heirloom and brew couldn’t further help her, that’s why she needed all the three ingredients including the spell, just to be safe in any case.

She felt stupid for not understanding anything about the energies and their power earlier, as now it seemed so simple and easy. After she turned 21 she could constantly feel some kind of battle inside and outside her. She would face some strange dark things. There were times that she gave up and accept a little part of seduction from the dark side. But she always felt herself bad afterwards and regretted it and did everything to atone for whatever she did. But now it was finally over. She choose the right side. And she felt so good and at ease. It was strange but she also felt like she gained more powers accepting the light side.

She cleaned up the house, fed and thanked the cat for the interference in the perfect time and went to sleep, leaving the brew and candles to burn out the last traces of evil from the house.

Two Yearsā€™ Progress šŸ”›

We haven’t had philosophical monologues for a long time, have we?

No this time it didn’t start from a song. Which is really surprising btw. It started from me. My old words, my old thoughts which I have forgotten. I started to reread my old blogs of 2016, when I overcame a hard stage of my life, got inspired and motivated again and restarted my blog.

Whenever I looked back at myself, I always thought “how stupid I was at that time”. I think this is the only existing exception, when I read something I wrote 2 years ago, and I not only feel proud of myself, but also get the same feeling I had while writing it. What do people call it? Butterflies in stomach? Heart beating? Whatever. My soul reacted to my writings, which my mind totally forgot. I think that’s when you can say that you did something with your whole heart, when you have goosebumps from your own words. It’s like a meeting with an old best friend. A friend who all those years was me, about whom I sometimes forget, to which I apologize.

Something is different though, in my writings. And I’m still trying to figure out what. Of course, through years I’ve learned new words and expressions, but that’s not it. I think I might be lighter at that time? Or more serious now. And it’s not that I’ve changed or my thoughts or feelings. I think it’s the courage that I got to write down everything, well almost everything, the way they are. Not to hide, not to lie not to be quiet. I don’t know why, I literally don’t. At those time I was writing more about my inspirations, about the good and positive, trying go ignore the bad sides and the problems. I was, I think more focused on others than me. Trying to motivate and inspire others, to please everyone through my words. And it wasn’t only through my blogs but in general. I think I might care about everyone else’s opinions/moods more than I did about my own self. But it wasn’t something I did intentionally. I just didn’t want to talk about the bad stuff and wanted to be a light, a hope, a strong shoulder for everyone else. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough to acknowledge my weaknesses at that time. Or wanted to ignore it so it would go away. But that’s not how it usually works. You have to know you bad sides, your fears and problems, even share them, but not pay much attention to them and not focus on them. That’s what I’ve been doing recently. If in 2016 I was slowly trying to accept the fact that I’m different, my weird interests and tastes, my lifestyle and hobbies, now, well for a year I think, I am also trying to accept the dark side of myself, which in reality is a great progress. And maybe two years are considered to be slow, but with steady steps I’m walking forward, still working on myself; still learning.

It’s really crazy how I put the words and my questions down, and the answers come to me immediately as I write. I know now what’s different about the two mes. But not too much. I’m still the same easily inspired person, gettin super excited for everything new, new season, new holiday etc. Also an important part. Not to focus on the negative and keep the happiness and excitement of life within yourself.

If I met someone right now, I could easily say “You met me at a very strange time in my life”, a building in front of us could blow up and fell down and we would be literally in a movie. Ofc it wouldn’t happen, by this I’m just saying that now is really a strange period of my life. Recollecting the past, enjoying the present and dreaming about the future. Exploring, learning, thinking. There’s never enough time for that. But I think I just went too far again, so I’ll just stop. Just wanted to share this moment with myself, so that in two years I would know, that two years before I was super proud of myself of two years ago…wait what? that’s how strange I am.

Ancient Athens šŸ‡¬šŸ‡·

Welcome to the second part of my latest travel destination-Greece.

One thing that I want to emphasize from the very beginning, a lesson that I’ve learned- never never judge sth from others opinions or sayings. Do your own research, have your own experience and then make your own opinion of sth. Why did it become the lesson of this trip is pretty simple. I’ve heard so much about Athens, that it’s not the best travel destination, that it’s the last place sb should go, that there’s nothing to see and bla bla bla. But it turned out to be really great, one of the prettiest places I’ve seen with a great atmosphere. The mix of old and new, little streets with cute cafes,benches and flowers and big streets with tons of yellow taxies, which make you feel like you’re in NY. Lots and lots of trees, plants and flowers that make you feel like in a terrarium and make everything much prettier, cozier and fresher if I can say so.

The second answer to my learned lesson’s why is Acropolis. Again I read and heard that it’s in the middle of, I don’t know, Sahara desert, that it’s really hard to go up there, that there’s no food and water etc…Turned out to be max 20 minutes of walking through a nice path with again lots of trees, which looked like forest, cafes, benches to sit, water machines. So again, don’t trust anyone, only yourself. The Acropolis itself was great and divine, literally. To be honest, I didn’t want to go because I thought it’d be really boring, just some old rocks, with lots of tourists + the things I’ve heard before, but I’m so glad that I went there. Despite the big amount of people, not too much, but still quite a lot, I could feel the antique atmosphere, the times of all the Gods, especially Poseidon, whom, if you didn’t know, I kind of worship. It’s just amazing how these places could have been built thousands of years ago BC and still remain really good, with the help of restorations ofc. The only cons of it would be the fact that you couldn’t like walk through them or touch anything, which is understandable but still bad for me. Btw it was really windy up there, and I wore the most uncomfortable dress I could possibly wear, but the resulting photos were totally worth me being a Marilyn Monroe. (photos as always would be at the end)

Next thing that should stand out is the Old town of Athens, the nicest neighborhood Plaka. It was like a paradise for a person like me who loves everything antique. And it wasn’t only one street or two or three, it was a huge place, where I think you could walk for week and still find sth new. All the little streets and paths, colorful buildings, again plants and flowers, old style lamps, make you feel in an endless summer of medieval times. Here again exists the mix of old and new, the dozens of cafes and souvenir shops representing the category of new. But again only now I felt what is the real Greek atmosphere that I’ve heard so much before. The feeling of endless holidays and fun. If in Paris for example I could feel the hard mysterious times, with all the gothic architecture and lifestyle, here I could only feel happiness, warmth easiness, sth I don’t think I’ve ever felt so hard anywhere else. It’s not the typical European style which distinguishes a lot. I don’t think I can even explain that. In both places you feel the ancient times but in two very different ways. Both are amazing and wonderful, it’s just that I don’t think I’ve had this second type of antiquity-feeling before.

Other things that should be pointed out are lots of cats again, as in Cyprus, and people treating them really well, like they’re Gods or something. And if you know me, you’ll know that I love the sceneries of the cities from above, so whenever there’s a chance or a place to climb up and see it I take it. This time wasn’t an exception, only this time there were two fascinating views- from Acropolis to the city and vice versa, and both looking really good, with the pinkiest sunsets and night views full of lights. And people playing greek music in the streets was also adding the sense of hospitality to the general air of the city.

Sorry Greece for the bad opinion of you for many years. And Greek people, also an apology to you for not thinking of you in the best way. It’s really important not to stick to your old prejudices and to give everything a second chance. And now enjoy Athens through my eyes.

Cyprus Mix šŸ‡ØšŸ‡¾ šŸ“

Missed writing travel blogs. I’m going to write this quickly though, because I’m sitting in the balcony for inspiration and there are crazy bats flying in front of it and I’m not the biggest fan of them šŸ˜†

This time it was Cyprus, Larnaca, and I must confess it was the last place I wanted to be. Didn’t have much expectations from it. If you know me, you’ll know I love cold weather, and going back where it’s summer when autumn is my ultimate favorite season, didn’t sound really appealing. But I end up loving this city and feeling sad to leave it. It’s not the most beautiful city, but still it has a strange kind of charm in it. It’s like the mix of old and modern. The architecture is really simple, remained from old times, but the life goes on here as in the big metropolis. But unlike those big busy cities, where you feel a stranger, where everyone’s in rush and live their private lives, here it feels like a big old friendly family as if everyone knows each other. As if you lived here forever, and even the waitresses or sellers have known you their entire life. I finally felt the warm greek atmosphere, something I’ve seen in movies but never felt though I’ve been in Greece twice. So when I say it’s the city of mixture I mean this. It feels like old small greek town, where everyone knows each other, where nothing really happens and people live with their quiet lives. But at the same time you feel yourself in like in the centre of Europe with all the various cafes, shops, parties, street arts and the modern vibes. Staying in an apartment added to the feeling of actually living here, when you get to go to the local markets and buy food for yourself. One thing that I really like is that there are lots of people from the UK here, and as you might know, I adore them, and seeing them daily, listening to their conversations makes me feel like in the UK. Another thing that I love about this country is that there are lots and lots of street cats, and people feed them. They put food and water on the streets, near stores and buildings and cats look all fat and fluffy and happy, which makes me really really happy.

So the “unwanted” trip turned out to be one of the best. I can’t really explain the atmosphere here, but I’ll do my best. It’s like an endless holiday here. Especially on weekends. People look happy, easygoing, careless, ready to party 24/7. You hear the city living especially at nights. People talking and laughing here and there. Cars and motorcycles rushing somewhere, music playing in different parts of the streets. Sounds pretty crazy, and I think I myself will go crazy if I lived here more than a month, because I’m more a calm and peaceful kind of a person. But living in this for a short term turned out to be fun and new. To the point where I missed the craziness of the weekend during the week. And now seeing the city living its best life, and me leaving it tomorrow feels upsetting. It’s like you go somewhere, become a part of the big family, getting used to everything even the bad sides, and then bam, your time is up, let’s go. And you leave this whole party while everyone else still enjoys themselves. And people come and go. Life never stays still, and it makes me sad and not only for this trip but in general. Buildings remain the same, they see millions of new faces, new jokes, new music. It’s getting ordinary for them. But for you it’s still sth special and amazing. And it’s sad realizing that it’s coming to its end. I think I wrote the same for every country I’ve been to, but that’s who I am, easily getting attached to every new place and feel like it’s where I belong.

And I already forgot what else I wanted to write, and these bats driving me crazy, I think they want to come and bite me šŸ˜‚ Anyway, thanks Cyprus for the warm hospitality and tones of fun memories starting from swimming, sunset cruise, cute cafes snd cats to the donkey ride, learning sirtaki, making pottery and so much more.

And as usual, here are some photos to summarize my writings somehow. Enjoy!

Another Throwback šŸ‚

What could possibly become the reason of this throwback? Yeah, that’s right, music, again. In fact, this time it is justified, cause everything was connected with music. Last year, around this time, little sooner and later on. Of course the season itself inspired me, but I had another huge inspiration. And that was music, which I found and which became my life. Or maybe vice versa. I was living through it, breathing it. Sleeping with headphones, waking up and the first thing I did was playing piano. Getting ready for university, but still playing it until it’s the last second to came out of the house. On the road again headphones and my fingers automatically playing the melody in the air. I considered myself so much luckier and richer than everyone else because I had my music. Maybe it sounds really stupid now, but that’s how it was. I felt like I had this huge and mysterious secret which made me special. It made me not to care about anything else. Lessons? Interesting lectures? Pff, bitch please, I have sth much better and more fascinating. I was obsessed with music and not only listening to it but also playing it. Mostly playing it to be honest. But that was a positive obsession, it motivated me, inspired me. To live, to create, to overcome all the problems. Because with a playlist like that I could kill a monster in the blink of an eye. That’s when you know that the song or the melody is divine. You basically can’t get over it, it constantly plays in your head, even when you don’t listen to it. And it’s not just some sort of music, it’s life.

Another thing that contributed to my nostalgia was the visit to my, already ex-university. It was an incredible feeling, I haven’t had for years. It’s the happiness that you are no longer a “prisoner” here. You don’t have to go here every single day, you have no obligations connected with this building anymore and now it’s just the good place, with amazing nature, peaceful atmosphere where you can enjoy a lovely walk around or just sitting on the benches. But it was also a little sad and melancholic feeling, with lots of memories. Good or bad, these were an important part of my life and I can’t but feel nostalgic. Though everything bad has already faded away, so it’s mostly the positive memories. The rides to uni. Music again. The feeling of upcoming autumn and my favorite sweater weather. Rushed coffees before lessons or during short breaks. That special feeling that I had, that yes, I still study here, but psychologically I don’t belong here anymore. I have another life, outside of everything connected with uni. And that’s what made it so special, with music included. Cause it kind of reminded me that uni was temporary, soon I’d finish the lessons and got back to my other life, with its wonderful Ost.

I don’t even know whether this all makes sense to others or not. It does though, in my head. That’s how I recall it. I never thought I’d say this, but I’d love to go back for only one day, one perfect day with everything described above. To feel these feeling for the first time, have this creative inspiration or muse. Just to capture these moments one more time with better attention. Still I do, closing my eyes, listening to these songs again, I am there, a year ago. Forgetting all the bad stuff, it’s only good there, in this layer of my memories. So glad I have all these layers of different times of my life. The memories featuring the songs of that time, mental photos and events that happened. Even smells, food and everything else. I don’t live in the past, but I often visit it, as it’s fun, having all these mixed emotions once again. Sadness, happiness, nostalgia, pride. Now I finally understand the meaning of the word “bittersweet”. Cause that’s how memories feel.

p.s. I always name the songs that I’m inspired by, but it’s not this case today, cause they’re too precious for me to share. Yes, I’m that type of person, jealous of my favorite stuff being admired by others most of the times.

Island in the Sun šŸŒ“

Breaking free..These moments are the best so far. When you get away from everything and everyone, from the world. When you don’t read or watch anything, you don’t go online, don’t post too much, don’t communicate…When you stop caring about anything and forget all the bullshit you ever thought of, don’t follow any rules, as there are none. That’s not depressing, that’s healing and refreshing. As you cut everything off, you start to pay more attention on the surrounding world, on the nature and most importantly on yourself. You start to see the beautiful clouds in the sky, filled with all the different colors of sunset or sunrise. You hear the sound of wind, the birds, the waves of the sea. You start noticing all the little details you never noticed before. How the waves swim so smoothly around the rocks, and how they clash each other. How the water hugs you and doesn’t let you go from sea. How you are connected to nature, the world and God. How everything you ask receives an answer once you start paying attention. And how God is with you wherever you go and whatever you do. How beautiful and amazing life is. When you clear your mind and soul from daily routines and “dust” you start acknowledging all of this. I wish these moments could last forever. I wish I could just choose the moment, click it and freeze it and re-live it for lots and lots of times. When it is sunny, and you receive sunbathes, swing in the waves, lie on the sand and feel the light breeze on your face. All the four elements complete your existence and give the power and energy they have. Being make-up free, having salty natural curly hair, freckles on the face, good tan and smooth skin. There is no make up that could give all these effects. You feel yourself a sea child, sun child, child of nature, a small but significant part of it. And you don’t even bother yourself thinking about anything else, cause you understand that this is the life, what is happening right here, right now. You don’t listen to music too much, cause the waves are the best melody you could ever hear of. Your photo album is full of nature pics and videos, cause you try somehow to save that moment, to feel what you felt later, but that never works. It only gives you the slightest idea of what actually happened, but not completely and not authentically. But still it’s memories, which keep you warm for a long time, with the recollections of the best times you had…On the island in the sun. Just wanted to save those moments once more through my words and thoughts.